My Life: Then and Now

Modelling is not a normal job. I don’t think you could really even call it a job. As a model I was wild and free and caught in the cycle of loving/hating the fashion industry. I had no commitments other than to be beautiful and to show up to jobs and countries. I made pretty great money, travelled all over the world, stayed in (mostly) nice places, got to (or was made to) socialize with the VIPs in the cities I was visiting. I was around beauty in every way. It’s like most high school movies where the geeky girl gets accepted into the cool crowd and then feels like a million bucks, then while enjoying the natural high of being a “someone" gets swept up into it and begins to change her outlook on life. I started seeing the world in a different way. I started thinking I could actually become someone. It was doable.

But looking back, I realize I was living a bit of a lie. When you get greedy and only start thinking of the money, it clouds your judgement. My life seemed so grand but in a way it all felt so superficial. Eventually reality hits. Currently I’m working at a job that pays very little money, where I wear a horrible uniform and get dirty everyday driving and cleaning trucks. It has great benefits but that’s about it. It’s so different from the glamorous life I had before. Now when I’m cleaning up shit (literally, sometimes), it feels like I really could only go up from here. I’m at such a low point career-wise. It is in no way to do with my career aspirations and is not even close to anything I’m interested in. But sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Maybe that’s growing up.

I’m six-and-a-half months pregnant. That might not sound like too far along, but believe me - it’s a lot of work growing a child inside you! My new (and hopefully forever) life partner and I have started a committed relationship. I have never really been in one before this - or even wanted to be, if I’m being completely honest. He truly is everything I have been looking for. You really do need to kiss a lot of toads before getting your Prince. I thank God everyday for him and my new family. I’m also doing an online course for financial accounting (which I completely should not have done at this moment in time since I already have too much stuff going on). My exam is tomorrow and I hope to God I pass. That’s not to mention that I am working on finishing this book and keeping up with this blog.

My life now is a total 360. I’ve transformed from this immature, wild, young female into a committed mom-to-be. We just moved into a new place to prepare for our new child. It feels like I have been unpacking for weeks. I have been organizing a baby shower as well. It has been a lot of work, but my mom and best girlfriend have been helping as well. All in all it’s been tough. I never have time to just chill at home. It’s such a huge change from my old life where I could relax when I needed and was able to sleep in at least twice a week. That never happens anymore. Do I wish sometimes I could just get up and leave it all behind? Yes. I miss the way that back then I was able to just pick up and leave the moment I didn’t like my situation. But then I think there’s no way I want to leave this family I’m starting to create. This - this - is what I have so desperately wanted my whole life. In a way this is what I was searching for during all those years of globetrotting. For my whole life, I have been praying for a family and then success. In that order.

Now I have faith. That’s the only advice I can give to anyone else out there - just have faith and work your ass off. Don’t stop till you get there - wherever your “there” is - and then enjoy the hell out it!


-Sarah

So What Is SWTMW Anyway?

Some people who click onto this blog might be confused about what exactly Sleeping With The Material World is. Especially if you don’t know us and you’re simply clicking over from the Facebook or Twitter page, you may not be familiar with the story of the book or what we’re trying to do with it. I mean, it’s pretty clear from the introduction up top that it is a book, but since there’s no widget on the website offering you a copy for sale or linking to it on Amazon, some might find themselves asking how they could obtain said book. And it’s an understandable question.

To be clear: Sleeping With the Material World is an unpublished book. Technically speaking, the final draft is not even completed yet. This page exists to raise awareness about our book project in anticipation of selling it to a publisher. Because as Sarah found out the hard way when she submitted her first draft to several publishers, turning your raw manuscript into a published masterpiece that can be found on Indigo’s shelves is actually pretty damn hard.

I know in the past while exploring the internet I’ve come across certain author webpages that refer to a book that doesn’t appear to actually exist, and it’s frustrating. You feel like if the book was published and all you had to do was click on a link, you would be more than willing to support the artist. But how are you supposed to go about supporting an unpublished author?

Sarah has been working on this book for multiple years and in its first iteration it was mostly just a jumble of stories. Since I came in, I’ve radically restructured the narrative. We now see SWTMW as a creative non-fiction "bildingroman," which is a fancy word for a coming-of-age story. It’s a story about growing up, and while the characters may be zany and all over the place, it’s really about a girl who travelled the world to find herself. SWTMW is laid out into 15 chapters, with each chapter taking place in a different city than the previous one. Many locations pop up multiple times, but some don’t – this is just a tour of Sarah’s world in her years in the modelling industry.

As such, on some level it’s a combination of a travel book and a modelling book, which is a little bit unique. There are a few first-person modelling narratives out there – notably Model: A Memoir by Cheryl Diamond, which I read and quite enjoyed, although I didn’t find that it had much of a narrative resolution – but few have really explored the experience of being a model, being flown in and out of different countries and immersing yourself in a new culture for a few months before being plopped down somewhere else. Our whole book is an adventure, as new opportunities pop up and disappear before Sarah’s eyes.

Sarah brought me in because I went to school for creative writing and I have a much better understanding of the process of writing an engaging, readable book with a story arc, but that doesn’t mean I have an in to the industry itself. The key right now is finding a baseline for our pitch that will make what we think can be an excellent book into something that is worth investing in for a significant publisher. So in a way, our goal right now is to brand the book as something that is worth reading. Part of that is demonstrating what’s enticing about this particular story, part of it is showing that we have the ability to write for a large audience, and part of it is finding that audience ahead of time.

Because of the way the industry is today, with the rise of the internet and Kindle and the focus on bestsellers and literary fiction, it’s very important for us to find our audience before we even sell the book itself. When I came into this process over a year ago, as I mentioned, I had the know-how, but I didn’t have much in the way of actual credentials aside from a few isolated articles. Since then, I’ve had my first short fiction piece accepted for publication in a literary journal (scheduled for March of next year) and landed regular gigs writing for TheRichest.com and RaptorsRapture.com. That’s a start, but it’s certainly not going to wow any publishers. Neither of us are going to get in the door because of our resumes alone, so in order to get this book finished and produced, we need to find out who is going to read it. This blog is a part of that process.

In addition, we’d love to explore any other networking opportunities that the internet has to offer – be it guest posts, podcasts, or the like. Most of all, we would love for you to subscribe to this blog (there's a big box on the right-hand side!), and then give our Twitter and our Facebook a follow. And then, maybe even more importantly, share it with all of your closest friends! This might seem like shameless advertising, and to be honest, it totally is.

But we hope you want to see this book get made as much as we do.

-Simon

Dating Diary: The Angry Artist

Here’s another doozy of a dating story. You can’t make this shit up.

A friend I worked with named Peter had some art done by a local tattoo artist. I saw the tat after he got it done and immediately fell in love with it. Peter told me that the guy who did it was amazing and super chill and down to earth. He told me he was Asian and had tattoos all over the place and hinted that I might really like the guy. I do have a soft spot for Asian guys and tats, but when I first went to see him I was more interested in getting some of his art.

At first, I emailed him to ask about getting something done, but I didn’t hear anything back I added him on Instagram and thoughtlessly liked a bunch of his posts. Like I said, he was an amazing artist, and I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that he could see who was liking his stuff. He added me back and suddenly I noticed that he was liking a bunch of my posts.

“Is this a liking contest?” he messaged me.

I told him I loved his art and had emailed him about a job. We set up an appointment and I went into his studio for a quick look and to set up the actual appointment. In between the meeting and the appointment we texted back and forth a bunch. It was mostly just about the artwork but I tried to flirt with him a bit. He was a hottie.

On the day of my appointment we hung out for about three hours, just talking about everything. I thought that he was fun and interesting and seemed to be into all the same things as me. I was totally into him. I thought we had connected and was waiting for him to ask me out, but he didn’t say anything that day. Over the next couple of days we texted back and forth. I told him I was very intuitive and he asked what I was thinking.

“I think you want to ask me something but you’re holding yourself back,” I replied.

“Wow. UR Psychic.”

“Look if you want to ask me out just do it.”

“I don’t know. U might think I’m boring LOL. Lemme sleep on it.”

“Fine, whatever,” I said. But I was thinking, Are you kidding me?  He certainly wasn’t boring, but that whole exchange was a bit of a red flag that he was a bit weird. I waited all day the next day to hear something and then in the evening I finally texted him something like, “if your heart is telling you you should then you should.” He got the message and finally asked me out.

Our first date was probably the best date I have ever had. We had brunch at a lovely little place that my friend had recommended and then went to the valley by Old Mill subway station and watched the salmon migrating upstream for about five hours. We didn’t kiss, but the whole experience was amazing.

Over the next few weeks the guy was just such a sweetheart. I had had a few too many bad experiences and had resolved to try and wait a month before I slept with anyone. With this guy, it was easy to play it off as inconvenient at first because my Mom was staying with me at the time and he still lived with his parents while he saved up for a studio, so a “sleepover” would have been awkward. Most guys seemed to give up and leave long before we had made it a month, but this guy just stuck around. I enjoyed hanging out with him tons. He was so affectionate, loving, friendly, chilled, and easy going. Just lovely. He only texted me which caused a few misunderstandings because I like guys to call me as well. But he was great. With everything going so well, after the first couple of weeks it was getting hard for me not to sleep with him and hard to explain why I wanted to wait. Even though a month isn’t that long, in the modern world it feels like a lifetime, especially for men.

Finally it happened. We had made it about a month so I went to bed with him and the first time it…wasn’t that great. It was fine, but there was nothing memorable or exciting about it. The second time, though, was different. The tender guy I had been falling for turned into a completely different person. He went at me like a jackhammer, smacked me in the face, and called me dirty names. He tried to strangle me and talked way – WAY – too much throughout the entire thing. I let him finish and thought – nope.

I didn’t say anything about how I felt immediately but a few days later I brought it up over text. (I had wanted to talk it over in person but he didn’t want to wait until we met up.) I told him that I didn’t like it like that, and that girls who did probably think about sex differently than me. I even suggested that maybe the girls who do have had some sexual abuse in their lives (I’m not saying that they necessarily have, but that was my personal opinion at the time). And even if I had been willing to go along with some of what he did, he needed to bring it into our relationship way slower – one thing at a time – and warn me in advance about what kind of stuff he was going to be pulling out. Even then, I don’t know if I would have been into it. But at least I would have been willing to try rather than noping the fuck out.

After I told him all of that, he told me he was super embarrassed and sorry. He told me his last girlfriend had been into some crazy shit and he had transferred it over to me. He told me he could go along with whatever I liked. But I’m not like that. I don’t want to direct the whole process when I’m in bed with someone. I’ve never had to do that and I didn’t really want to start.

The question of whether we could make it work simmered for a few days. Finally I asked him straight out, “Is that what you’re into or not?”

He got angry and defensive, and I realized things would never work between us. A few days later we officially ended it. I never slept with him again, because I just didn’t think that I would enjoy it. We’re still friends and I think he’s a great guy and an incredibly talented artist. I don’t hold any of it against him. 

But sometimes two people are just incompatible…

-Sarah

Beijing Memories

I love this photo.

This was taken less than a week after I ran out on my last international agency in China. In this shot we’re on the elevator on the way to the club to go party with the 2008 Olympians. I was chilling with the Jackass boys and two BMX riders after we had all finished up the Gumball 3000. The “Masters of Dirt” hat I’m wearing is the logo for one of the BMX companies.

It had all started the previous Saturday night, when my friend Min in Shanghai invited a bunch of the girls up to a huge party in a fancy hotel. Min told me it was a party for the Gumball but I had no idea what that even meant. He assured me that the party would be packed with celebrities and that they needed some hotties there. So I asked my 5 roommates (all beautiful models) if they wanted to come. Of course they came – I always knew where the fab parties were. When we got there, there was free booze and free food everywhere. The girls and I stayed all night, then went back to the penthouse and partied till the next morning. One of the hot guys I had met asked me if I wanted to stay with them and travel to Beijing. I told him yes. Then I called the agency and told them I was cutting my contract. I was sick of my agency and the scene in China and just needed a change, but more than anything I was just down to have a good time. Thinking back now, it just reminds me how wild and fun I used to be. It’s not that I can’t have fun now, but I’m more grown up. In my teens and twenties I did whatever I wanted, and got paid. Life was easygoing and carefree.

So I joined the Gumball. The Gumball is enormous car rally that takes place somewhere in the world every year. Thousands of cars and drivers drive thousands of miles just to have a good time and enjoy their toys. It attracts the wealthy, the famous, and anyone who is crazy about cars. The cars in the main rally itself are absolutely gorgeous. In 2008, the Gumball was lined up with the Olympics, winding up in Beijing just in time for the Games. I had really only hitched onto the last leg of the trip.

Fast-forward to this picture. The hottie who had convinced me to run out had already left Beijing, since he was a writer for GQ and had other things to do now that the Gumball had reached its destination. One of the Jackass cameraman, a guy named Teatree, invited me and Miles, the main BMX rider I was hooked up with, to come into town to eat something with him and some British girl. It was probably one of my favourite nights in Asia. We went on an Asian Gondola and rode around a river. We went and smoked sheesha at some side street make shift “restaurant”. Then we ended up in this club somewhere where all the Olympians were hanging out. It was probably best that I had no idea who anyone was because then I wasn’t going crazy about meeting any of them. I had no idea who they were. We partied all night.

Later, Miles, the British girl, Teatree and I were all drinking and Miles put his head down and went to sleep. The British girl was basically gone, her eyes looking all different ways, and me and Teatree were left to chat. He was living in LA but was from New York. He was Jewish and Russian, loved his family, and came across as so funny and sexy but not in your typical way. We stayed there chatting and drinking for a few hours with our dates ‘under the table.’ Teatree was a skateboarder who started his career off as a cameraman for skateboard videos. He moved on to shooting for ‘Jackass.’ He was charming but so not my usual type and a little older then me. We hit it off, and after this meeting we dated on and off, though it never went anywhere. Twice I told him how I felt and twice he turned me down. He only truly wanted me around when he was lonely. From time to time he would fly me out to wherever he was and we would end up stuck to each other’s hip, as they say. Then I would go home, and we would go back to being just friends again.

This photo was the beginning of the end of the fun times. My agency was super pissed at me, and had contacted my mother agency to tell them that I’d disappeared and was on drugs (neither of which were true, though I had left with zero notice). My mother agency was calling my mom to make sure I was okay, and now every other day I was on the phone with my mother reassuring her I was fine and just with friends. By that time the modelling agency in Shanghai had taken all my belongings and brought them to the office under lock and key, including my passport and lap top. They threatened that they would keep everything and not let me leave China. But I was too busy having the time of my life with these millionaires to care.

A few days later, the parties dried up and people started to leave Beijing and I had to go back and clean up the mess I’d created. The train home from Beijing to Shanghai was one of the worst experiences of my life. There were four small beds in each cubby. This train was infested with mold and I’m deathly allergic to it. The train ride is only about five hours long but I thought I was going to die. My throat started to close up, my eyes were foggy and my ears were completely plugged. So much phlegm was coming out of my nose and mouth. I would choke on it at times and have to cough it up and spit it out in a tissue. When I got to the point where I thought I couldn’t take any more my stop was next. I ran off the train and my symptoms instantly disappeared. I was so relieved.

Now: the agency. I knew it was going to be bad. The agency had my laptop, my suitcase of clothing, and my passport all locked up in a massive vault. I still have no idea why they had a bank-sized vault in the agency. They refused to give me any of it back until I reimbursed them for the flight monies they said I owed them for flying me out to China in the first place. I told them I did not want to stay there anymore. I wanted out. But I didn’t have the money.

I sat in the waiting area for while. Finally the owner of the agency arrived and told me to come into their boardroom. He yelled at me for about an hour. He told me I was twenty-three years old and I was acting like a child. He had never had any model do such a thing. Then he told me that I was worth nothing because I was female. I was crying but told him that I was going home this week. He said no, I wasn’t going anywhere until we figured out about what I owed him.

That day I ended up leaving without any of my belongings, only getting them back much later with help from my mother agency and an assurance that I would never work in China again. Even though this was basically the end of my modelling career, I don't regret my decisions at all. It was such an amazing experience and I still talk to some of the people I met on my Gumball trip.

-Sarah

When A "Dating Diary" Isn't Really About Dating

A couple of weeks ago we posted a video categorized as a “Dating Diary” in which Sarah discussed an experience she had where a man posed as a producer offering her a part as a way of trying to get into her pants. Since that time, Sarah has realized that this was not a dating story at all, but something much darker. In light of all the sexual assault allegations coming to light recently against Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey and innumerable others in Hollywood and elsewhere, it’s important to recognise the line where things stop being professional and become abusive, and enforce that line. This is one of Sarah's (far too many) stories. In this case, she did go to the police - too late to actually press charges, maybe, but early enough that the next time this happens it will be a black mark on his record as he will be seen as a repeat offender.

#metoo

6 Major Mistakes I Made As A Model

Back in our very first post we outlined some tips for surviving in the modelling industry. In this post I’ll discuss some of the mistakes I made as a young model that could have been avoided if I’d followed some of those tips:

1) I never kept track of my jobs and agency expenses.

After my contract was done in South Korea I came home with way less money than I should have. The agency ended up charging me for a bunch of extras, including the rent on my apartment after they had told the group of us to move into a bigger and more expensive place. When I went there, they had a set amount (flat rate) that they paid out for the type of jobs that they were offering and they pocketed the rest. At the time I didn’t want to be a pain but in retrospect I should have asked to see the receipts and demanded fair payment. If I’d been smart, I would have insisted on altering the contract to state that I would be paid the full amount that the client paid the agency, minus the 20% agency fee and minor expenses. Instead, I let the people who had the most to gain from ripping me off control my finances.

In general, I should have tracked all my jobs so when payment came up I knew exactly what I was owed. I should have budgeted expenses before even stepping foot in the city I was working in, just to know how much I needed to leave available for emergencies. I trusted my mother agency to have my back and while they were my rock, on the road it’s important to be your own accountant and always watch every dollar that comes in and goes out. Models are in a difficult spot - forced to put so much trust in other people in such an untrustworthy industry.

2) I partied too much, and didn’t focus enough on the jobs, castings or career in general.

Sometimes while I was getting my makeup done for a job and I had to shut my eyelids while they put on eye shadow, I would literally fall asleep in the chair. The makeup artists were very nice about it and never made it seem like a problem - they were probably used to it - but I shouldn’t have been doing that. I should have enjoyed being there and not rushed everything. I should have had more respect and appreciation for the job and the career.

Personal Essay: What Women Are Today

I’ve been wondering about my role as a female in the modern world. As a woman, I always feel the need to make people see me as just as strong as men. I'm small, but I'm much stronger than I look. My brother always makes jokes about how I’m “muscles Magee,” because I will always pick something up and carry it even if it looks huge for my small stature. My mother is the same way, and these days I have to tell her not to pick up heavy stuff, that she’s getting too old to do that kind of thing. Society expects men to be strong physically and they are told that they shouldn’t cry or show emotions. I don’t agree with that, but on some level I have always tried to emulate that. So I don’t really cry and I hate when women lose their cool and get all emotional. But why do I react like this? I know I shouldn't feel that way. Some people are more emotional than others, and it has nothing to do with gender. Besides, women’s emotions, compassion and intuition are some of the strengths that make us great.

I grew up playing with the guys because they were always doing fun things while the girls would walk around, play with dolls, talk about people and follow around the boys. I didn’t want to follow around anyone. I have always tried to be independent. After I hit puberty and realized I liked guys more than girls, I began moulding myself to be more attractive to the other sex. I thought that was what I was supposed to do - be more appealing to the other sex because they were “stronger.” But when I ask myself how I came up with that strategy, I realize that I wasn’t born thinking that way. I was taught. My father, who definitely believes that men are stronger than women, is a fervent believer that a women needs to be walked home by a man to be safe. He is a lovely man but those are his beliefs, and when I think about it I realize it’s not really his fault - it’s just how he was raised. My mother, on the other hand, was a mess while I was growing up. She was so emotional and a lot of it was because of all the things she had been through as a female. I saw this dichotomy close up and made a choice that I would not be a feminine moody “girly girl.” And although now I embrace and am open to every aspect of myself, including the girly aspect, I understand why I pushed against that. I’ve noticed that if I “pretty” myself up most people, even women (most of the time), are nicer to me, whereas if I’m just in sweats with no makeup people pay no attention to me and aren't as willing to help or be nice. Don’t get me wrong - I know I am privileged. I’m white, born in Canada and visually symmetrical. So it’s easy to play the pretty card. But what I want to know is why we’ve been raised in this way. Is it something that women are taught or is it something ingrained?

I did some research into the subject. The United Nations latest Human Development Report showed women are 8% less well off than men overall. This is a blanket figure which covers subjects like education achievement, life expectancy, and income.  While that overall difference actually isn’t quite as bad as I thought it was, there are places throughout the world where gross sexism is still rampant. In South Asia, for example, there is a 17% gap between the sexes. In all, out of 148 countries, only 16 don’t follow the general trend. Those sixteen give me some hope. The report stated that generally when countries do well women do well. In countries that the UN calls the “high human development group,” there is only a 3% gender gap. But then in countries that are deemed “low human development” there is a 17% gap. Afghanistan scores the worst at 60% while Sweden and Iceland consistently rate at the top. High-income countries in Northern Europe typically score highest for gender equality. So, generally speaking, Western women are doing better than non-Western women, which isn't a huge surprise.

But then I looked into the subject historically. I know I can’t really comment on how things were way back when, but I figured someone had studied it. I read an article called “Early men and women were equal” where an anthropologist named Mark Dyble and his coauthors say the latest findings suggest that equality between the sexes may have been a survival advantage and played an important role in shaping human society and evolution. The authors argue that sexual equality may have proved an evolutionary advantage for early human societies, as it would have fostered wider-ranging social networks and closer cooperation between unrelated individuals. “It gives you a far more expansive social network with a wider choice of mates, so inbreeding would be less of an issue,” says Dyble. “And you come into contact with more people and you can share innovations, which is something that humans do par excellence.”

So if in the past women were just as powerful as men…then why are we held back today? Is it because we are by nature more peaceful than men? More in tune with ourselves? More graceful? Because some men are bigger than women physically?  Maybe because we like to nest? All those statements have a ring of truth to them, but they’re all generalisations. There are exceptions to every one of them. Men can be all those things as well. Now there are men who become women and women who become men. So what does gender matter? The LGBTQ community believes that we are all equal no matter what we are attracted to or whether we identify as female, male or both. That to me in wonderful! If you ask any transgender person, they will tell you that equality is important to them. But I still feel like I’m made to feel less than adequate compared to males. And I have always hated that. Where did we go wrong as a sex? It feels like since the beginning of time women have been bogged down. Why do we let it happen?

At this point I refuse to imprisoned by stereotypes and statements that women and men should be this way or that way. I believe we should all enjoy our lives and have equal rights. We should be allowed to enjoy this life that was given to us and know that it’s enough. Every individual brings something lovely and necessary to the table, and I wish as a species we could learn to embrace those differences. I will always fight to have equal rights and stand up for the people who need a voice because I believe that one day we will realize that truth.

-Sarah

Dating Diary Vlog: The Man Who Wasn't Camera Shy

Hey followers, since we didn't post a fresh article on Monday, here's a bizarre dating story about an experience Sarah had with a "producer" who offered her a role in a movie...

The Mondays

Hey followers, unfortunately we don't have much in the way of new content this week as we're working on some longer-form pieces, but in the spirit of keeping you coming back every Monday, here's a reminder to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin! Tell all your friends!

Cheers,
Simon

Dating Diary: The Blond-Haired Englishman

A few years ago I put myself in a very weird situation. It all started one night when I was out drinking with the guys and a tall, thin blond man with an English accent approached me. I was polite with him but not interested because a) I was busy with my friends and b) tall and skinny and blond is not my type. After I gave him the cold shoulder he started chatting up one of my guy friends (I didn’t really notice because it was a standing bar and everyone was milling around) and when last call came and we headed back to a girlfriend’s place, the blond tagged along. The group chilled all night and I ended up chatting with him a bit. At that hour, he seemed cute and interesting, and when he asked my number, I gave it to him (partly because I was into it, but mostly because at that stage of my life I was terrible at saying no to any man who asked for it – thankfully, I’m better about that now). When I had to leave and he made to leave at the same time, my girlfriend pulled me aside. “Do you like this guy?” she asked. I told her I didn’t and she rushed me out before the guy could follow and try and get me back to his place.

He went back to England and we texted back and forth and Skyped a few times. Neither of us seemed that interested in making things happen. It’s hard for me to fall in love long-distance – I feel like I need to see, hear and feel a lot of interest coming from a man before I’m engaged. But a few months after I had first met him he mentioned he was coming back to Toronto on business, and he suggested we see each other. It seemed like a good idea but the timing was bad for me – I was scheduled for three straight 12-hour waitressing shifts (11 AM-11 PM) on the weekend he was coming. I told him I would try to see him, but deep down I knew I wasn’t going to put in much effort. Once he got to town he texted me several times. I felt bad and agreed to meet him after work. I was very tired and felt sticky and yucky from a long day in the restaurant, but we chatted for an hour or two and then I went home. The next day he again met me after work. This time we went out drinking until last call and then I went back to his hotel and talked some more. He was a complete gentleman – he didn’t even try to kiss me. I crashed on his bed for an hour and then I went home to clean up and get ready for work. He gave me a little peck on the cheek and headed back to England.

Vlog Intros

Hey readers, we posted a couple of introductory vlogs so you can get to know our faces as well as our words.

Quitting Modelling

About two years ago I quit modelling for good. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next, but I knew that I wasn't getting what I had used to get out of the whole experience and I needed the change. At the time I was working as a supervisor in a restaurant and  I didn't have a backup plan - I just figured I'd do that for a while and see where it led me.

When I first quit there was a sense of relief. I got some tattoos I'd always wanted (while I was in the industry tattoos were strongly discouraged) and bleached my hair. Suddenly I could work out whenever I wanted to. Suddenly the pressure was gone. I didn't need to worry about how I looked. I was happy and proud that I'd gotten out on my own terms rather than waiting for that dreaded sit-down.

The first few months were glorious but it wasn't long before reality kicked in. I had never been smart with my modelling money and after my last paycheck came and went I suddenly realized that no one had taught me anything about managing money. I didn't know how to get by on restaurant wages alone.

"Wait," I said. "The fuck am I supposed to do with my life?"

I thought back to my days in Asia, the rich boys who had courted me. Maybe I should have married a millionaire when I had the chance. But deep down I knew that wasn't really what I wanted - that was a cop out. Several years before, one of those old boyfriends had told me that I shouldn’t ever quit working as a model because as soon as I did I would start to look old. (At the time, of course, I got nervous and offended and started thinking I was already looking old.)

So what was the next step? Acting? I had been acting on and off for the last six years of my modelling career, but not much had come of it - I had to acknowledge that maybe I wasn't all that good at it.

At one point, I had the thought that maybe I should just go and live in a temple and be Zen for the rest of my life.

As per usual I ended up meeting someone in this time who was, for lack of a better word, a complete asshole, and thought maybe I should settle down. NOPE. I ended up quitting my supervisor job and ending it with the bf after we moved in together. Suddenly I was out of a job, out of savings, and basically homeless.

"What the fuck do I do now?"

At that point I decided I wanted to go back to school. But what would I take? I had always wanted to be a therapist and I was already a healer spirituality so maybe that was the route. By the time I applied to school I was on welfare. But school didn't work out either - there were issues with my OSAP and I wasn't able to commit to the year (which would have been this current school year).

Since school fell through I've landed a full-time job and found a place to live. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there. But my advice to anyone who plans to quit the industry without a backup plan is this - make sure you're prepared for the real world first!

-Sarah

Tojo: A Short Sample from "Sleeping With the Material World"

We don't want to do this too much while we shop this book around, but we thought it would be nice for our followers to get a sense of what this book we're writing is all about. So here's a short sample section where Sarah meets a cute surfer named Tojo and hooks up with him. This is taken from near the end of Chapter 3, on Sarah's second trip to Tokyo:

Tojo:

Anne and I had a casting together. She and I had the same look – skinny, white, blonde – so we ended up at a lot of castings together. We pulled into the parking lot a bit early, and as we waited I bit into a Nutri-Grain bar. I had a thing for candy bars at home and now that I’d gotten to know Tokyo I’d found the westernized spots in town where I could go to buy North American stuff.

“What is that?” Anne asked.

“Just a granola bar,” I said.

“Gran-no-la,” she enunciated each syllable. “That word funny.”

“Hey,” I slapped her and pointed out the window. “Who’s that guy?” A Japanese guy had gotten out of a separate car in the lot with a model and was heading into the casting ahead of us. He was medium build, dressed like a skater, but he immediately looked familiar. “I swear to God, he looks exactly like Pharell Williams.”

“The rapper?” Anne said. “He does, too.”

“What’s his name?”

“Whatever, Sarah. He is another DTA," my DTA Masahiro said from the from the front seat. "Who cares?”

“Serious, though," I said. "I want to know his name. And what agency he works for."

“He's called Tojo,” Masahiro said. “I’ve seen him around. Are you girls ready to go in?”

“Ready to get his number, more like,” I joked. Anne rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm ready," I said, more seriously.

The Writing Process

This is Sarah’s book, and Sarah’s story, but as her co-writer I would like to pull back the curtain a little bit on our book and into the writing process. Turning a book from a dream into a reality is a long, hard process. When Sarah came to me, she had a completed first draft of her story, but it lacked structure. The characters and plotlines were all over the place, coming and going haphazardly, and while that fit in with the chaotic nature of the life reflected in those pages, it didn’t make for a compelling book yet. Whether we know it or not, we’ve all been raised on narrative structure – whether you’re reading a book, watching an Oscar-nominated movie, or binge-watching a sitcom on Netflix, there are certain expectations that a story needs to fulfill in order to feel complete.

Take Mean Girls as an example. Essentially, we expect an inciting incident (Cady gets put into regular school), rising action (Cady going from being an associate of the Plastics to gradually becoming entrenched in their club), conflict and climax (Regina finding out about Cady’s treachery and trying to bring her down, leading to the gymnasium scene where Regina gets ridiculed by the whole school and getting hit by a bus) and resolution (Cady coming to terms with herself). These tropes can take many different forms in many different films or books, but usually if you scratch beneath the surface of a well-told story you will uncover them.

In our story [SPOILER ALERT], Sarah’s inciting incident is going overseas to model for the first time – a change which opens all sorts of possibilities. The rising action occurs as she spends more and more time in Asia, losing touch a little bit with her life back home as she falls into a world of boys and jobs and tries to make it in the industry. The conflict comes as she oscillates between two men in different countries and her career begins to sputter, climaxing as she finally moves on from the man of her dreams and runs out on her agency to go join a car rally. The resolution is when she comes back to Canada to find herself again.

Even though we plan to market this book as creative non-fiction, it was important to me not to manufacture any of the above pieces of the puzzle. A true-to-life story will almost by nature not adhere as rigorously to the classic narrative structure, but it’s important to find these narratives as they exist in our lives. Sarah’s book appealed to me because I felt that the story that was hiding out in her original manuscript was one that could work beautifully if told right. All the ingredients to an exciting story were already in place – we had the ever-changing landscape of a story that takes place in at least five different countries. Just in boyfriends alone we had a wide cast of characters – from Japanese surfer dudes to sweet-talkers to sketchy club-owners to gay pretty-boys. We had a world which not many people have seen in close-up – a modelling scene outside of the hubs of Milan, New York and London. And we had the spectre of Sarah’s modelling career looming over the whole thing, a pipe dream which transformed into a reality that was everything she had hoped it would be, until it wasn’t.

I put these structures into place for our second draft, which was really more like a really long outline, and our third draft is where the pieces really begin to click into a fully realized story. Each chapter takes place in a different city from the previous one, and each chapter builds up the story in a slightly different way so that the action is always moving forward and never stalling. Currently, this third draft is incomplete, but it is our plan to complete it once we have found a platform for this story.  

Thanks for reading!

-Simon

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How International Modelling Changed Me As A Person

Like any major life experience, going into international modelling changes you as a person. Some of these changes are for the better, while others are more negative. I’ve grown up a lot in the five years since I got out of the industry, but many of these changes influence the kind of person I am today.

PROS:

It made me comfortable with my body, both naked and clothed: This is a big one. Growing up I was always uncomfortable with my body, especially my super-skinny long legs. In middle school the kids called me "daddy long-legs" and I hated it. I was also very flat-chested until about the age of 16. When I got into the industry, I learned to transform my unique body into a feature rather than a bug, and my self-consciousness disappeared.

I learned how to tap into my feminine side: I was a tomboy growing up and I hated wearing dresses. Once I got into the business I learned how to wear nice makeup and present myself in a more classically feminine way, with a hint of my own flair. Once after a shoot a client gave me a shiny gold dress and I thought, "my God, I would never wear this!" But I did wear it out one day and I got so many compliments on it that I started to like it. Being a girly-girl suddenly didn't seem so bad.

I became more fashionable: While travelling I was exposed to a ton of different cultures and fashions. I followed everything from what was in style at a certain time to what was kind of weird or funky to the trends that were so horrible that they kind of worked. It really changed the way I dressed.

I made friends all over the world: I met some amazing people that I still talk to today. I feel blessed to know that if I ever want to travel to a major foreign city in the future, I will more than likely know at least one person there. One thing that's wonderful about the industry is that eventually you learn how small it actually is.

I became comfortable travelling alone: The first time I went overseas by myself I was terrified that I wouldn't know anyone or make any friends. But I've done it so much now that the idea of going out and meeting a bunch of new people is kind of appealing. Plus I've learn how to just be alone sometimes.

I became open to trying anything once: I've tried lots of food I wasn't so sure about at the time. I've also seen sights that I never thought I'd see - for example, I met a racecar driver once and he let me go down to track level and sit in his car. Travelling the world made me open to just going with the flow and trying something new.

I learned how to use my street smarts to negotiate out of sticky situations: Growing up in North America around a pretty rough-and-tumble crowd, I learned how to speak my mind if something didn't seem right to me. Once I started modelling, early on I learned how to talk back if something didn't seem fair or I really didn't want to do something. The clients, especially in Asia, were usually taken aback by a woman speaking her mind and often didn't know how to react.

CONS

It became very hard for me to trust people, especially men: I started thinking everyone always wanted something from me, and that people were only hanging around because I was a model and not because of who I was as a person. I started repping my character a little too much because I wanted people to see that I wasn’t just another pretty face and that I had something to offer. I didn’t think any of the men in my life cared about me, and I never stayed with anyone for longer than four months (and four months was if I REALLY liked a guy). I kept myself distant so that I wouldn’t get hurt, and of course I got hurt anyways.

It made me ONLY comfortable if I was wearing the right outfit: As a model, I became overly aware of what fashion choices were being made around me. Nowadays, I have to be overdressed or at the very least appropriately dressed for every event I go to. If I feel underdressed it will affect my ability to have a good time and might actually make me leave early.

I became addicted to change: My childhood was very turbulent and the industry is ever-changing, so I never learned to slow things down. For me every season was a new world – new place, new experience, new guy (or guys). I would get cabin fever if I stayed home longer than one month at a time – Canada was just a pit stop until I could get the fuck out of Canada again. I couldn’t hang onto anything for a long period of time, and it’s something I still struggle with to this day.

I stopped being able to be told what to do: I was told how to look by somebody else for sixteen years. Once it stopped being my job to shut up and listen, I became resistant to anyone telling me how to do anything. Whenever anyone tries it on me now, I think to myself, “do I really have to listen to this person?” I have tried to work on being more open-minded in past couple of years, but I still have my rebellious side.

I became very lonely: I would be in a club filled with hundreds or thousands of people and just feel like a single grain of sand on a massive beach. I started feeling like nobody could relate to me as a model – they all had their own friends and crowds to go back to. And back home, everyone was growing up in their own way, and had no idea what my life was like overseas. And since my friend group was constantly changing, there was never any time to get close with anyone.

-Sarah

10 Tips On Surviving As An International Model

Keep track of your money. You need to be your own accountant if you don't want to hire one. The industry is rife with sharks and if you don't know what you're getting paid or who you owe money to, the money you think you're making can disappear in an instant.

Always make sure you have a mother agency you can trust. Some of the international agencies will try to take advantage of you as a young person and it's important to check with your mother agency if you suspect that something is off.

Don't get sucked into unhealthy diets or routines. The first thing a lot of people think about when they hear the word "model" is "anorexia." Don't fall down that wormhole. Eating healthy is important, but not eating is very bad for you. If you overdo it, your body will react in ways you don't expect - you might stop having your period, for example. Watch your weight, but do what's right for you.

Don't drink and do drugs alone in foreign countries. Doing drugs in general is a bad idea but the dangers are magnified if you don't know where you are or where to go if things go wrong. Other models may be rivals, but they're also your safety net against what may be out there lurking in cities you're unfamiliar with.

Sleep well at least sometimes. All but the most committed models are going to pull the odd all-nighter, but too many drugs and too many parties will burn you out eventually. Remember that as important as socialising is in the industry, taking care of yourself should come first.

Always shower before going out to a job. It's easy to get caught up in the 24-hour club life and rush from jobs to parties to more jobs without a moment to sleep or shower, but it will eventually catch up to you. No one wants to work on a model who smells like the alleyway behind the bar. It's rude - but worse, it's unprofessional.

Learn how to exercise at home. Pull-ups, push-ups, jogs around the block - you don't need a gym membership to stay in shape. 

Don't take things personally. It's a business, and people aren't getting paid to tell you what you want to hear. Just because you don't get along with the handlers on one shoot, or because you don't have the right look for something, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you.

Only do things you're comfortable with. For my very first test shoot at age 14 I was asked to do a no-bra look. When I balked, the photographer assured me that if I wasn't sure about it, we could do the shoot with the bra on. In the end I chose to do what was right for the shot, but only once I was comfortable with it. This industry is all about subjecting your body to what other people want, but if it they are ever asking you to do things beyond your comfort level, you should always maintain your right to walk away. If you sign up for underwear and arrive to a photographer asking for nudes, that's not cool. There may be consequences (an unhappy agency, a complaint from the client) but remember that your well-being comes before the job.

Be true to yourself. If you're naturally a size 7 and you're trying to fit into a size 0, you're not being yourself. You can transform yourselves for as many looks as you want, but always stay true to the human being you were when you came into the industry.

Just a few tips from my years in the industry!

-Sarah