Learning About Leaps: How An App Saved My Sanity

This week has been one of my hardest yet as a mother. My partner had to leave for work for 4 days and I was left to take care of the baby mostly on my own (though my mother did come over and help me out for one of the days - thank God!). Teo was crying a lot all week and feeding and changing him didn’t seem to be soothing him at all. He wanted to be held all the time and he was eating A LOT. I had to be feeding him almost every hour, day or night, which meant that I wasn’t getting any sleep at all myself. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. It was so stressful and I started to feel like I was failing as a mom. He was just so fussy!

When my partner would call to check in on me I’d be in shambles, feeling like I just didn’t know what to do next. But thank God for one of my friends who gave birth three weeks before me. I finally messaged her to ask her if she’d gone through anything similar to what I was going through with Teo. She told me that it sounded like Teo was going through a leap and it was totally normal. Then she turned me on to an app which helps new mothers understand what’s going on with their newborns.

The app is called The Wonder Weeks and it’s based on a book by a doctor named Frans Plooij. There are apparently ten major leaps that take place in the first 20 months of birth as the baby grows and develops. Teo was going through the leap that takes place around week 5, when babies begin to see greater distances and develop a greater awareness of the world around them. Because of that mental development, he got crankier, started to eat more, and needed to be held more.

I entered Teo’s birth date in the app, and it gave me a sense of how long I should expect this leap to last and when to expect the next big leap for Teo. It has a calendar I can sync up with Teo’s next expected developmental step. It also showed me some cool videos so that I could better understand exactly what Teo was going through. The app also gave me some tips on how to manage Teo and some stimulating exercises that are best suited to a child going through that specific leap. It’s only been a few days and already the app has been heaven-sent.

I no longer feel like I’m failing as a mom. The app was only $3.99 and so far it’s been totally worth it! My partner came back and I felt like I could tell him I’d been successful as a parent while he was gone. I do have to say, though – there are a lot of apps out there which are just meant to take advantage of desperate and sleep-deprived new parents. They try to make a few quick bucks without offering anything of value. So far, I’ve only used apps which have been recommended to me by other girlfriends of mine with new kids, and so far, so good. This app has really helped to give me peace of mind!

-Sarah

Living The Single Life vs Settling Down With A Family

What To Expect When Expecting

The Mean Things People Say When You’re Nine Months Pregnant

Well, after nine months, it finally happened – I’m a Mom! Our new little boy Teo was born on March 15th and he’s healthy and happy.

The week before I gave birth I think I hit a breaking point. I felt huge. I only gained 45-50 pounds in total during my pregnancy but I have never been that big in my life so it was a huge adjustment. I was already feeling self-conscious about my size. (I would expect that all pregnant women feel that way – not only are you bigger around the waist, but everything else can swell up too, your hormones are out of whack, and just in general you don’t feel like your usual beautiful self.) And when people starting making fun of me for it, I just couldn't handle it.

For the most part I was pretty lucky as far as not being subjected to too much in the way of insults, but as I got bigger I did start to hear things slip out from people I know and love. In the last couple of months I found out that my baby was below average in size and that I would probably need to be induced to let him out early. When my doctor first told me that the baby was undersized, I asked if I needed to eat more or gain some weight, but he said of course not – he said I was healthy and the baby’s vitals were good, and that babies just sometimes come out small. But when I told my friends and family about this, they kept pestering me to eat more. And it really got to me – I felt like I needed to constantly defend myself and my eating habits, which was the last thing I wanted to be doing.

But there were other things people said to me that really bothered me too. Most of these were said in jest, or casually, with the implication that I “could take it” – but it doesn’t mean I liked it. They included things like:

You’re a monster now who just eats all the time. 

The person said that this was a joke and that they only said it because they knew I could take it. I was fine with it at the time, but this was only the first in a cavalcade of insulting jokes and snide comments.

Wow, I’ve never seen you so fat before, this is great! Let me get a picture.

This person took a picture which ended up on Instagram. It bothered me, but again, I tried to brush it off. After all, I was only a few days away from giving birth.

How does it feel to be a whale?

This hurt, but I realized that this person was only re-purposing words that had come out of my own mouth. The way this made me feel was a harsh reminder that if you’re having body issues, you shouldn’t use hurtful words to describe yourself because then that will make other people think that it’s appropriate to throw those words back in your face.

I don’t want another child with you because you didn’t exercise while you were pregnant.

I’m sure you can guess who said this last – and in his defense, he was grumpy and tired when he said it. My partner has been an amazing support system throughout my pregnancy, during labour and after the birth of young Teo. I couldn’t do any of it without him. But anyone who’s been in a serious relationship will understand that sometimes bad things get said in stressful situations, and when this got said it actually made me cry. It just felt like at that point in my pregnancy everything that was being said around me was really mean or hurtful. The thing was, I was going to AquaFit throughout my pregnancy – which is at least some form of exercise. So it also wasn't entirely fair.

In general, I can take a joke better than most. The things said to me in my state were peanuts compared to the things that some pregnant women have to put up with. But in general as a society I think we need to be more mindful of pregnant women everywhere. Every woman is different, but it just makes sense to be nice and respectful to a woman who is going through the process of making a whole new person inside of her. Anyway, I’ve now given birth and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced – the hardest thing I have ever done or ever will do. (Maybe that’s a topic for our next blog post?)

SHOW SOME RESPECT!

-Sarah

Pregnancy Update Vlog: Ready To Pop

Life Changes

2016 was probably one of the worst years I ever had. I moved in with a boyfriend and it turned out to be one of the worst decisions I ever made. Before moving in with him, I was in a nice condo downtown with a job where I made decent money and lived with my dog that I loved. I loved living downtown as a single female because it allowed me to be social and I felt extremely healthy. My ex lived very far out of the city and I had to quit my job to move in with him. Once I got there, he stopped talking to me for two days and told me I couldn’t drive his car like he had promised I could. He had asked me to move in, but once I did he transformed into a completely different person. He became very controlling and a complete douchebag. The stress of the relationship brought back my smoking habit, which I had kicked 6 years before, and I almost completely stopped sleeping. I was only there for about two months before I moved out one day while he was out at work - I just couldn’t handle him at all. 

I moved back in with my mother. I knew I had to make some changes. My whole life was upside down. I ended up joining a martial arts class. I had recently started therapy and I knew that I needed some physical exercise - a nice place to release things and learn something new.

It was at that class that I met my current boyfriend. At the time he was secretly going through a separation with his wife. When I met him I figured he was married and therefore did not make any effort in pursuing him (not that I make that much effort at pursuing anyone). But I was so attracted to him. If I’d known, I probably would have chased after him from the jump. He was pretty closed off in class, but any time that I got to spar with him I was happy to do so and slowly I began to learn a tiny bit about him. As time went on, I began to have feelings, but his separation was still a secret and no one in the class knew that he wasn’t happy in his old relationship. So for a while I kept my mouth shut.

Fast-forward to now. Things have changed! I have a (semi-)new relationship with a wonderful person whom I love very much. He truly is what I’ve been looking for all these years - with some added, let’s say, quirks (that are for the most part tolerable). I know he thinks the same about me. Our relationship has been pretty much a whirlwind since it started. As soon as we both realized that we liked each other we basically started dating immediately. We quickly found out that we have a lot in common and we have a lot of fun together. I feel like he teaches me something every day.

We had only been dating for a few months when - surprise! - I got pregnant. I have never been pregnant nor have I ever even had a scare with pregnancy. And I have not always used birth control. In all honesty, I thought I might not be able to have children. But I guess when things are meant to be, they’re meant to be.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we both freaked out. We were both in severe shock. He was still going through a divorce and I was still trying to get my life back together. But I didn’t for one second think I didn’t want the baby. I did, however, have the thought: how the fuck are we going to do this? I told my boyfriend if he wasn’t ready to have a child or spend his life with me then that was okay and I would do this alone because I understood it was my choice to keep the child. Although he was unsure at the beginning the more we both thought about it the more exciting it became. Within the first year of our relationship we had to discuss massive future plans, like how many children we wanted. The least fun of all the talks was finances. We had to talk about if we were going to live together, where we would raise a child, did we want to get married, and all the fun things that come along with a long-term relationship. The only difference was we had only been together for a few months. I had only met his parents once! It almost seemed similar to a arranged marriage (but who am kidding? I have no idea what that would be like). In the end, we decided to be together for what we hope is life, and raise this little bundle of joy as a family.

Am I scared? Yes! These are all huge life changes and they’re kind of coming on a whim. As for being a Mom, I have to say I’m excited and a little nervous but I feel like I’ll be good at it. Don’t get me wrong - my mother did the best she could and so did my father. But I learned a lot about what not to do from them. I am generally a pretty down-to-earth, fun, responsible person - at least right now (keyword: now. We’ll see if that changes once the baby arrives.) I’m also, like my boyfriend, a jack-of-all-trades. We both know a lot about many different things and are talented in many different ways. So I hope that we can raise a child well.

I do have to say I’m afraid of giving birth, though. That scares me the most - the pregnancy not so much, the being a mother not so much. But the splitting open and everything coming out including the baby is scary. I just hope it goes by fast and it’s quick. I also hope my boyfriend is there for it because he travels for work and I would like him to witness it.

As for my career or going back to school, I’m not too sure. I know I want this book to be published and that’s all I’ll be working on for myself for this next year pretty intensely. School I would still love to do but I have to see if that’s an option in a couple years, or if I even want to go that route again.

I’m holding on with faith and love, and I can only hope it all works out. I know this will be the thing I work hardest on and not ever give up on.

New Year's Resolutions - Simon

Happy New Year, readers! (And Merry Christmas as well since we didn’t put a post up last week. We were too busy eating turkey and opening presents!) For today, Sarah and I thought we wouldn’t focus so much on the book, but rather would devote a double-post to discussing our hopes, goals and dreams for 2018. This post discusses Simon's New Year's Resolutions. Here's Sarah's.

***

I took a little bit of a different tack with this exercise than Sarah did. Instead of focusing on improving my internal, personal well-bring, I focused a little more on concrete goals. These are things that I think I can get done this year.

1. I want find a steady writing gig. I currently have this blog which I edit and two other websites I contribute to. One is unpaid and the other pays okay, but not reliably. By the end of this year I would like to find a second reliable paid contract (or, y’know, an actual full-time job would be great!). My goal is to be self-sufficient and have time to work at honing my craft every day, as well as building a profile that allows me to further my writing career, and... 
2. I hope to quit my restaurant job. I have been thinking about quitting my job in the restaurant industry for a while, but I never knew how to support myself enough to actually consider doing it. Just from the writing work I’ve picked up in the last few months, I’ve started to see a light at the end of that tunnel. I certainly haven’t made enough to support myself full-time yet, but I feel like I’m finally in a position to start saving a few pennies for when I’m ready to take that leap.
3. I want to get this book in the hands of a publisher. Sarah’s been working on this book for several years, but this New Year marks the the third calendar year where I’m involved with this project. Even if we’re unable to get this book on shelves by the end of 2018, by the end of the year I’d like to find a publisher who is willing to work with us as we build this book up. My goal is to build a profile and contact list to the point where I can engage with publishers and get this book serious consideration.
4. I want to eat better. I’ve been working in the dregs of the restaurant industry for the last seven years – flipping burgers at low-end fast-casual chains. Scraping things together to make ends meet means I’ve taken full advantage of my employee meals, which is good on my wallet but not so great on my body, since it means eating way too many hamburgers and fries. Since my girlfriend moved in this past year, we’ve been making an effort to cook at home and eat healthy, and I would like to continue moving towards a semi-healthy lifestyle in 2018. (This seems exactly like one of those New Year’s resolutions that everyone has and breaks within a month, but I think with the changes in my lifestyle it’s attainable, especially if/as I move away from the restaurant industry.) 
5. I want to spend more time with friends. One of the consequences of living in another province (British Columbia) for eight years in my 20s and then working nights for the three years since I’ve been back in Toronto is that I’ve lost touch with a lot of old friends. Some of this is just growing up and drifting away from people, some of it is my lack of a social life to begin with, but a lot of it is just being to busy to fit people in. I hope that potentially freeing up my nights from work will allow me to make time for friends on a regular basis - whether it’s hitting the bars once in a while, playing some poker home games, or just being free on weekends to see my friends’ kids.

It really feels like for both Sarah and I, 2018 is a year of growth and new beginnings. Here’s to a healthy, happy, successful New Year!

-Simon

New Year's Resolutions - Sarah

Happy New Year, readers! (And Merry Christmas as well since we didn’t put a post up last week. We were too busy eating turkey and opening presents!) For today, Sarah and I thought we wouldn’t focus so much on the book, but rather would devote a double-post to discussing our hopes, goals and dreams for 2018. This post discusses Sarah's New Year's Resolutions. Here's Simon's.

***

I believe to be whole you need to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically strong. I really slacked in many of these areas in 2017 - in other words, I know what not to do for this coming year. These are my goals for each quadrant of my life in 2018:

1. Spiritually – I want to be able to meditate for at least half an hour everyday. I have been slacking big time. I used to meditate at least a half an hour a day, but I’ve almost completely stopped. I think I was going through some stuff and just forgot about meditating and somewhat turned my back on it during some tough times. But I have to remember that it’s during these tough times that meditation is important. Following through on this resolution will centre me as a person and generally make me a happier person - I know this from experience.
2. Emotionally – I need to embrace my emotions and remember that it’s okay if I want to cry sometimes. It’s needed. And I should be okay with that. This one I know I will naturally do right now since I’m super hormonal - but accepting it rather than fighting it is the key. I should also express if I don’t like how someone is treating me and voice my opinions more often. Sometimes I can be passive to avoid a fight, but sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. (And it feels good to be expressive, of course!)
3. Mentally – I have to make sure to write a half an hour to an hour a day as well as try and read a bit everyday. It will keep my mind sharp and active. In all honesty, my mental state is probably the only thing I have been working on in 2017. I have been going to therapy for about year now and it’s helping so much. It’s nice to talk to someone about how I’m truly feeling and gain perspective on my past as well as why I do things and why things happen. But I think taking care of my mental state also means staying mentally stimulated, which is why I want to do more reading and writing.
4. Physically – I want to step up my workout game. I haven't been working out since I got pregnant. Before it happened, I was working out every week and going to my Jeet Kune Do class 1-2 times a week. Now I’m not with a gym and I have been barely going to class. I have been doing some Aqua Fit classes with other pregnant women but that’s not really too much. I find it hard to work out now since I always feel tired. I plan to go hard for the first few months after giving birth to get back to what I was.

I hope this coming year is better than the last one. I feel like it will be. So much is changing for the better. I’m having a baby, after all! I just try to have faith and trust that things will work out if I try. And that’s what 2018 will be about for me - trying my very best every single day.

-Sarah

My Life: Then and Now

Modelling is not a normal job. I don’t think you could really even call it a job. As a model I was wild and free and caught in the cycle of loving/hating the fashion industry. I had no commitments other than to be beautiful and to show up to jobs and countries. I made pretty great money, travelled all over the world, stayed in (mostly) nice places, got to (or was made to) socialize with the VIPs in the cities I was visiting. I was around beauty in every way. It’s like most high school movies where the geeky girl gets accepted into the cool crowd and then feels like a million bucks, then while enjoying the natural high of being a “someone" gets swept up into it and begins to change her outlook on life. I started seeing the world in a different way. I started thinking I could actually become someone. It was doable.

But looking back, I realize I was living a bit of a lie. When you get greedy and only start thinking of the money, it clouds your judgement. My life seemed so grand but in a way it all felt so superficial. Eventually reality hits. Currently I’m working at a job that pays very little money, where I wear a horrible uniform and get dirty everyday driving and cleaning trucks. It has great benefits but that’s about it. It’s so different from the glamorous life I had before. Now when I’m cleaning up shit (literally, sometimes), it feels like I really could only go up from here. I’m at such a low point career-wise. It is in no way to do with my career aspirations and is not even close to anything I’m interested in. But sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Maybe that’s growing up.

I’m six-and-a-half months pregnant. That might not sound like too far along, but believe me - it’s a lot of work growing a child inside you! My new (and hopefully forever) life partner and I have started a committed relationship. I have never really been in one before this - or even wanted to be, if I’m being completely honest. He truly is everything I have been looking for. You really do need to kiss a lot of toads before getting your Prince. I thank God everyday for him and my new family. I’m also doing an online course for financial accounting (which I completely should not have done at this moment in time since I already have too much stuff going on). My exam is tomorrow and I hope to God I pass. That’s not to mention that I am working on finishing this book and keeping up with this blog.

My life now is a total 360. I’ve transformed from this immature, wild, young female into a committed mom-to-be. We just moved into a new place to prepare for our new child. It feels like I have been unpacking for weeks. I have been organizing a baby shower as well. It has been a lot of work, but my mom and best girlfriend have been helping as well. All in all it’s been tough. I never have time to just chill at home. It’s such a huge change from my old life where I could relax when I needed and was able to sleep in at least twice a week. That never happens anymore. Do I wish sometimes I could just get up and leave it all behind? Yes. I miss the way that back then I was able to just pick up and leave the moment I didn’t like my situation. But then I think there’s no way I want to leave this family I’m starting to create. This - this - is what I have so desperately wanted my whole life. In a way this is what I was searching for during all those years of globetrotting. For my whole life, I have been praying for a family and then success. In that order.

Now I have faith. That’s the only advice I can give to anyone else out there - just have faith and work your ass off. Don’t stop till you get there - wherever your “there” is - and then enjoy the hell out it!


-Sarah

So What Is SWTMW Anyway?

Some people who click onto this blog might be confused about what exactly Sleeping With The Material World is. Especially if you don’t know us and you’re simply clicking over from the Facebook or Twitter page, you may not be familiar with the story of the book or what we’re trying to do with it. I mean, it’s pretty clear from the introduction up top that it is a book, but since there’s no widget on the website offering you a copy for sale or linking to it on Amazon, some might find themselves asking how they could obtain said book. And it’s an understandable question.

To be clear: Sleeping With the Material World is an unpublished book. Technically speaking, the final draft is not even completed yet. This page exists to raise awareness about our book project in anticipation of selling it to a publisher. Because as Sarah found out the hard way when she submitted her first draft to several publishers, turning your raw manuscript into a published masterpiece that can be found on Indigo’s shelves is actually pretty damn hard.

I know in the past while exploring the internet I’ve come across certain author webpages that refer to a book that doesn’t appear to actually exist, and it’s frustrating. You feel like if the book was published and all you had to do was click on a link, you would be more than willing to support the artist. But how are you supposed to go about supporting an unpublished author?

Sarah has been working on this book for multiple years and in its first iteration it was mostly just a jumble of stories. Since I came in, I’ve radically restructured the narrative. We now see SWTMW as a creative non-fiction "bildingroman," which is a fancy word for a coming-of-age story. It’s a story about growing up, and while the characters may be zany and all over the place, it’s really about a girl who travelled the world to find herself. SWTMW is laid out into 15 chapters, with each chapter taking place in a different city than the previous one. Many locations pop up multiple times, but some don’t – this is just a tour of Sarah’s world in her years in the modelling industry.

As such, on some level it’s a combination of a travel book and a modelling book, which is a little bit unique. There are a few first-person modelling narratives out there – notably Model: A Memoir by Cheryl Diamond, which I read and quite enjoyed, although I didn’t find that it had much of a narrative resolution – but few have really explored the experience of being a model, being flown in and out of different countries and immersing yourself in a new culture for a few months before being plopped down somewhere else. Our whole book is an adventure, as new opportunities pop up and disappear before Sarah’s eyes.

Sarah brought me in because I went to school for creative writing and I have a much better understanding of the process of writing an engaging, readable book with a story arc, but that doesn’t mean I have an in to the industry itself. The key right now is finding a baseline for our pitch that will make what we think can be an excellent book into something that is worth investing in for a significant publisher. So in a way, our goal right now is to brand the book as something that is worth reading. Part of that is demonstrating what’s enticing about this particular story, part of it is showing that we have the ability to write for a large audience, and part of it is finding that audience ahead of time.

Because of the way the industry is today, with the rise of the internet and Kindle and the focus on bestsellers and literary fiction, it’s very important for us to find our audience before we even sell the book itself. When I came into this process over a year ago, as I mentioned, I had the know-how, but I didn’t have much in the way of actual credentials aside from a few isolated articles. Since then, I’ve had my first short fiction piece accepted for publication in a literary journal (scheduled for March of next year) and landed regular gigs writing for TheRichest.com and RaptorsRapture.com. That’s a start, but it’s certainly not going to wow any publishers. Neither of us are going to get in the door because of our resumes alone, so in order to get this book finished and produced, we need to find out who is going to read it. This blog is a part of that process.

In addition, we’d love to explore any other networking opportunities that the internet has to offer – be it guest posts, podcasts, or the like. Most of all, we would love for you to subscribe to this blog (there's a big box on the right-hand side!), and then give our Twitter and our Facebook a follow. And then, maybe even more importantly, share it with all of your closest friends! This might seem like shameless advertising, and to be honest, it totally is.

But we hope you want to see this book get made as much as we do.

-Simon

Quitting Modelling

About two years ago I quit modelling for good. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next, but I knew that I wasn't getting what I had used to get out of the whole experience and I needed the change. At the time I was working as a supervisor in a restaurant and  I didn't have a backup plan - I just figured I'd do that for a while and see where it led me.

When I first quit there was a sense of relief. I got some tattoos I'd always wanted (while I was in the industry tattoos were strongly discouraged) and bleached my hair. Suddenly I could work out whenever I wanted to. Suddenly the pressure was gone. I didn't need to worry about how I looked. I was happy and proud that I'd gotten out on my own terms rather than waiting for that dreaded sit-down.

The first few months were glorious but it wasn't long before reality kicked in. I had never been smart with my modelling money and after my last paycheck came and went I suddenly realized that no one had taught me anything about managing money. I didn't know how to get by on restaurant wages alone.

"Wait," I said. "The fuck am I supposed to do with my life?"

I thought back to my days in Asia, the rich boys who had courted me. Maybe I should have married a millionaire when I had the chance. But deep down I knew that wasn't really what I wanted - that was a cop out. Several years before, one of those old boyfriends had told me that I shouldn’t ever quit working as a model because as soon as I did I would start to look old. (At the time, of course, I got nervous and offended and started thinking I was already looking old.)

So what was the next step? Acting? I had been acting on and off for the last six years of my modelling career, but not much had come of it - I had to acknowledge that maybe I wasn't all that good at it.

At one point, I had the thought that maybe I should just go and live in a temple and be Zen for the rest of my life.

As per usual I ended up meeting someone in this time who was, for lack of a better word, a complete asshole, and thought maybe I should settle down. NOPE. I ended up quitting my supervisor job and ending it with the bf after we moved in together. Suddenly I was out of a job, out of savings, and basically homeless.

"What the fuck do I do now?"

At that point I decided I wanted to go back to school. But what would I take? I had always wanted to be a therapist and I was already a healer spirituality so maybe that was the route. By the time I applied to school I was on welfare. But school didn't work out either - there were issues with my OSAP and I wasn't able to commit to the year (which would have been this current school year).

Since school fell through I've landed a full-time job and found a place to live. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there. But my advice to anyone who plans to quit the industry without a backup plan is this - make sure you're prepared for the real world first!

-Sarah

How International Modelling Changed Me As A Person

Like any major life experience, going into international modelling changes you as a person. Some of these changes are for the better, while others are more negative. I’ve grown up a lot in the five years since I got out of the industry, but many of these changes influence the kind of person I am today.

PROS:

It made me comfortable with my body, both naked and clothed: This is a big one. Growing up I was always uncomfortable with my body, especially my super-skinny long legs. In middle school the kids called me "daddy long-legs" and I hated it. I was also very flat-chested until about the age of 16. When I got into the industry, I learned to transform my unique body into a feature rather than a bug, and my self-consciousness disappeared.

I learned how to tap into my feminine side: I was a tomboy growing up and I hated wearing dresses. Once I got into the business I learned how to wear nice makeup and present myself in a more classically feminine way, with a hint of my own flair. Once after a shoot a client gave me a shiny gold dress and I thought, "my God, I would never wear this!" But I did wear it out one day and I got so many compliments on it that I started to like it. Being a girly-girl suddenly didn't seem so bad.

I became more fashionable: While travelling I was exposed to a ton of different cultures and fashions. I followed everything from what was in style at a certain time to what was kind of weird or funky to the trends that were so horrible that they kind of worked. It really changed the way I dressed.

I made friends all over the world: I met some amazing people that I still talk to today. I feel blessed to know that if I ever want to travel to a major foreign city in the future, I will more than likely know at least one person there. One thing that's wonderful about the industry is that eventually you learn how small it actually is.

I became comfortable travelling alone: The first time I went overseas by myself I was terrified that I wouldn't know anyone or make any friends. But I've done it so much now that the idea of going out and meeting a bunch of new people is kind of appealing. Plus I've learn how to just be alone sometimes.

I became open to trying anything once: I've tried lots of food I wasn't so sure about at the time. I've also seen sights that I never thought I'd see - for example, I met a racecar driver once and he let me go down to track level and sit in his car. Travelling the world made me open to just going with the flow and trying something new.

I learned how to use my street smarts to negotiate out of sticky situations: Growing up in North America around a pretty rough-and-tumble crowd, I learned how to speak my mind if something didn't seem right to me. Once I started modelling, early on I learned how to talk back if something didn't seem fair or I really didn't want to do something. The clients, especially in Asia, were usually taken aback by a woman speaking her mind and often didn't know how to react.

CONS

It became very hard for me to trust people, especially men: I started thinking everyone always wanted something from me, and that people were only hanging around because I was a model and not because of who I was as a person. I started repping my character a little too much because I wanted people to see that I wasn’t just another pretty face and that I had something to offer. I didn’t think any of the men in my life cared about me, and I never stayed with anyone for longer than four months (and four months was if I REALLY liked a guy). I kept myself distant so that I wouldn’t get hurt, and of course I got hurt anyways.

It made me ONLY comfortable if I was wearing the right outfit: As a model, I became overly aware of what fashion choices were being made around me. Nowadays, I have to be overdressed or at the very least appropriately dressed for every event I go to. If I feel underdressed it will affect my ability to have a good time and might actually make me leave early.

I became addicted to change: My childhood was very turbulent and the industry is ever-changing, so I never learned to slow things down. For me every season was a new world – new place, new experience, new guy (or guys). I would get cabin fever if I stayed home longer than one month at a time – Canada was just a pit stop until I could get the fuck out of Canada again. I couldn’t hang onto anything for a long period of time, and it’s something I still struggle with to this day.

I stopped being able to be told what to do: I was told how to look by somebody else for sixteen years. Once it stopped being my job to shut up and listen, I became resistant to anyone telling me how to do anything. Whenever anyone tries it on me now, I think to myself, “do I really have to listen to this person?” I have tried to work on being more open-minded in past couple of years, but I still have my rebellious side.

I became very lonely: I would be in a club filled with hundreds or thousands of people and just feel like a single grain of sand on a massive beach. I started feeling like nobody could relate to me as a model – they all had their own friends and crowds to go back to. And back home, everyone was growing up in their own way, and had no idea what my life was like overseas. And since my friend group was constantly changing, there was never any time to get close with anyone.

-Sarah