Getting Comfortable In My New Mom Bod

The 6 weeks is over.

For those of you who don’t know, immediately after you have a baby you should have nothing go into your vagina for a while. It’s a time of rest and recovery. At the six week point, your OB does an exam to make sure everything is healing properly and internal organs are returning to their natural size, and you’re good to go.

So I can finally get back to my normal life. What I’m most excited about and I find most important is that now I can have sex again and exercise. I have to say I missed both very much and am happy to get back into it. (I think my partner could say the same!)

Of course, even though some things are returning to normal, I know it’s going to take some time to get my beach bod back and I have to be okay with how my body is now. I’ve tried on my old clothes and they don’t fit. My belly is almost as big as my butt, my legs are fattier than before and my chin is the smallest it’s ever been. Everything jiggles when I walk or run!

This is very different from my modelling days. The nice thing about not doing that anymore is that I don’t have pressure to get back to my old bod super quickly. But I have always maintained my body, always made sure that it was beach ready, and I want to get back to that level. And I will. While I’m working myself up, it’s important that I catch myself when I go to say something scathing to myself and maintain the faith that I will get back to a banging bod!

(I want to say that as long as you’re healthy and you exercise and you eat fairly well than whatever your natural weight is, it’s beautiful. I’m not trying to judge other people’s sizes here. But I’ve been super skinny for my whole life, so this extra weight is a bit of an adjustment.)

When I look in the mirror I try to focus on the things I do like. I’m really enjoying my huge boobs, and I keep telling myself that when I get my stomach back my body will be banging. I also love that my ass got bigger - though it definitely needs to be shaped and toned. I’m very excited about what I will look like after some time spent working out and not eating as much. Also I’ll be breast-feeding and that apparently helps to cut calories.

So I’m going to start going back to my Jeet Kune Do (martial arts) class and going to the gym whenever my baby and man will let me - of course, I can’t do anything anymore without their okay. I just need to keep telling myself I’ll get there. And I don’t know if this is the right way to do it, but I’m not going to set a goal or a date on when my body should be back to what it was. (In all honesty, I don’t think my hips will ever go back to what they were - which I’m happy about because I love my bigger butt). I know the big boobs won’t last forever, but the butt will, and I’m looking forward to working on it.

I’m sure I should enjoy this time in my life where my body is at its worst. And in a real way I can say it’s truly at its best because I did just gave birth, and that’s amazing.

And in the meantime, I’m going to be proud of my Mom Bod - big, small, or just right!

-Sarah

Getting Back On The Horse

Tomorrow will mark one month since my last shift at the restaurant. It’s been a relaxing month, but also a bit of a frustrating one. At first I was happy to have the time to relax, then I came down with a flu, and now I’m starting to feel cabin fever. This whole month has been a lot of lying around the house and not doing a whole lot of anything, and after a while that gets boring. The frustrating thing about being down is that I’m not so unwell that I can’t do anything – but when I do things, I get easily overtired. I can go to the bar, but after one beer I start to feel overstimulated. I can go for a walk, but that doesn’t feel especially productive. I can try to write, but after an hour I feel like I just want to lie down.

Last week, I finally got in to see a physiotherapist and then a psychologist to discuss the best way to go about getting back to normal. The physio in particular said some interesting things about how my brain is working. He described it as a car engine that’s worn down and isn’t getting enough gas. It still gets you where you need, but the performance isn’t optimal – when you slam on the gas pedal, it doesn’t reach top speed. He did some tests on me and concluded that while I’m over the worst of things physically, my brain is still a tick slow when it comes to processing, and the extra energy I’m expending is probably tiring me out.

Although he advised me not to dive back into work, in my boredom I’ve begun to putter around with writing a little bit more once again. I’m still not ready to tell any of my editors I can get back to the grind – or tackle this book project in its entirety – but I’ve at least sent out a few stories again. My thinking is that the best way to ramp up to full speed is to start small, with jobs that don’t have specific deadlines or come with a lot of pressure. When the inevitable rejections come back, I can simply file them away in an email folder and forget about them.

It’s productive, but it’s also disorienting. Sometimes hustling as a writer can feel like swimming in the middle of the ocean and searching for land. You know there’s eventually going to be land in almost any direction, but you have no idea where the closest patch of land is – or the best. There might be a tiny island just out of eyesight on one side, but an entire continent a mile in the opposite direction. Firing off stories and pitches for rejection, I’m casting about searching for my identity. Do I make my name in fiction? Sports? Does writing content anonymously for money help get this book published? (Probably not, but it might keep my bank account full until we can.)

None of the doctors I’ve consulted have told me to rush back to work. They say I need to focus on myself and how to get myself in the best place possible to be functional going forward. I agree in theory, but in practice it’s hard. I find myself growing bored and agitated. I don’t have a lot of discipline. I’m not really supposed to be drinking or playing sports, but I want to go out and shoot hoops and muck it up at the bar – just to do something. I’m understanding more and more those scenes in movies where the cancer patient breaks out of the hospital because, damn the doctor, he just wants to have fun again.

But at the same time, I have to find a way to step back and think about how to get better. I want to be able to write and work for a lot of years going forward. I have to figure out a way to throw all my energy into making this book the best book it can possibly be. And I know that actually focusing on things like diet and exercise is what will get me back to normal sooner. But old habits die hard…

On that note, I’m off to see the physio for a follow-up appointment.

-Simon

Learning About Leaps: How An App Saved My Sanity

This week has been one of my hardest yet as a mother. My partner had to leave for work for 4 days and I was left to take care of the baby mostly on my own (though my mother did come over and help me out for one of the days - thank God!). Teo was crying a lot all week and feeding and changing him didn’t seem to be soothing him at all. He wanted to be held all the time and he was eating A LOT. I had to be feeding him almost every hour, day or night, which meant that I wasn’t getting any sleep at all myself. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. It was so stressful and I started to feel like I was failing as a mom. He was just so fussy!

When my partner would call to check in on me I’d be in shambles, feeling like I just didn’t know what to do next. But thank God for one of my friends who gave birth three weeks before me. I finally messaged her to ask her if she’d gone through anything similar to what I was going through with Teo. She told me that it sounded like Teo was going through a leap and it was totally normal. Then she turned me on to an app which helps new mothers understand what’s going on with their newborns.

The app is called The Wonder Weeks and it’s based on a book by a doctor named Frans Plooij. There are apparently ten major leaps that take place in the first 20 months of birth as the baby grows and develops. Teo was going through the leap that takes place around week 5, when babies begin to see greater distances and develop a greater awareness of the world around them. Because of that mental development, he got crankier, started to eat more, and needed to be held more.

I entered Teo’s birth date in the app, and it gave me a sense of how long I should expect this leap to last and when to expect the next big leap for Teo. It has a calendar I can sync up with Teo’s next expected developmental step. It also showed me some cool videos so that I could better understand exactly what Teo was going through. The app also gave me some tips on how to manage Teo and some stimulating exercises that are best suited to a child going through that specific leap. It’s only been a few days and already the app has been heaven-sent.

I no longer feel like I’m failing as a mom. The app was only $3.99 and so far it’s been totally worth it! My partner came back and I felt like I could tell him I’d been successful as a parent while he was gone. I do have to say, though – there are a lot of apps out there which are just meant to take advantage of desperate and sleep-deprived new parents. They try to make a few quick bucks without offering anything of value. So far, I’ve only used apps which have been recommended to me by other girlfriends of mine with new kids, and so far, so good. This app has really helped to give me peace of mind!

-Sarah

The Beginning Of A New Journey

Well, it’s been a spring full of change and news around these parts, with a new baby for Sarah and health issues for me. Since my injury relapsed, I’ve been working but not writing much – partly on doctor’s orders, partly because it strains my brain to stare at a screen for too long and/or put the time into doing research, and partly because I’ve been generally quite lethargic. It hasn’t been a particularly fun couple of months, so I decided it was time to make a real change. Two weeks ago I put in my notice at my restaurant job. I worked my last day yesterday and am now officially free from my wage-slavery. The notion of total freedom is a pleasant one, but it’s also a little bit scary – especially in light of how unwell I’ve been feeling. Without a steady income, I’m going to need to rely on being able to get back on the horse and start writing before too long, and trying to make some money that way.

As much as I hoped that this would be an exciting time turning a new page in my life, as a worked through my last day yesterday I didn’t feel victorious or excited in the way that maybe I thought I would. I have a recollection of quitting my movie theatre job when I was 19 to go off to university and explore bigger and better things and feeling excited and expectant. Maybe it’s being in my thirties, but my last day yesterday had none of that unfettered joy. It was a day like any other – simply a day where I didn’t have to come back in tomorrow. Certainly I was looser and more relaxed than usual, but more than anything the feeling I have today is relief. I cut my chains, but I still need to find a way to make a living, and that’s no easy feat.

I was contacted by a concussion clinic today, so hopefully in the next few weeks I can rest up, learn to manage my symptoms, and begin to write again. I still have a serious article that I was trying to pitch before my symptoms worsened, and I do hope I can finish it up with a second interview of my subject and get it published somewhere notable. And even though I haven’t done any significant writing in at least a month, it’s kind of nice to look back and see how much I feel like I accomplished between November and February. I hope that without a 30-hour-a-week job to slog through, I can soon redouble my efforts on that front without burning myself out again.

I’m hungover and tired today, so my apologies if this post is a little more sombre than the title would suggest. Quitting my job to do what I love is a major step for me, and I’m especially looking forward to enjoying a full, free summer with all the time in the world to enjoy the weather, take in some local baseball games, and tie up all sorts of loose ends that get pushed aside by the daily grind. I look forward to doing some real cooking at home, to dusting off the bike outside and getting the tires fixed. In fact, even without trying, I can already feel a list of dozens of obligations beginning to fill my head. For now, I’m pushing them aside – R and R (and all the other Rs – relaxation, rehabilitation, recuperation) is far more important at this point. I feel like I need to focus on what’s important in life, and think about – and even dream on – the future. And it goes without saying that this book will be a major part of that process once I’m physically and mentally ready to focus my energies on something.

Working is a grind for anyone. But living is more important than working. I looked in the mirror one day and asked if my work-life balance was where I needed it to be – if I was working to live or living to work. And I concluded that I was living to work far too much for someone working at what, fundamentally, is a shitty service job. I had begun to feel trapped in a routine where my workplace had become my personal jail, but I finally realized that there was nothing keeping me cooped in my cell except for a misplaced sense of loyalty and the desire to see my bank account rise at the end of the month. And that simply wasn’t important to me anymore. My hope by freeing myself is that I can learn to live again - whatever that may mean.


-Simon

What To Expect When Expecting

The Mean Things People Say When You’re Nine Months Pregnant

Well, after nine months, it finally happened – I’m a Mom! Our new little boy Teo was born on March 15th and he’s healthy and happy.

The week before I gave birth I think I hit a breaking point. I felt huge. I only gained 45-50 pounds in total during my pregnancy but I have never been that big in my life so it was a huge adjustment. I was already feeling self-conscious about my size. (I would expect that all pregnant women feel that way – not only are you bigger around the waist, but everything else can swell up too, your hormones are out of whack, and just in general you don’t feel like your usual beautiful self.) And when people starting making fun of me for it, I just couldn't handle it.

For the most part I was pretty lucky as far as not being subjected to too much in the way of insults, but as I got bigger I did start to hear things slip out from people I know and love. In the last couple of months I found out that my baby was below average in size and that I would probably need to be induced to let him out early. When my doctor first told me that the baby was undersized, I asked if I needed to eat more or gain some weight, but he said of course not – he said I was healthy and the baby’s vitals were good, and that babies just sometimes come out small. But when I told my friends and family about this, they kept pestering me to eat more. And it really got to me – I felt like I needed to constantly defend myself and my eating habits, which was the last thing I wanted to be doing.

But there were other things people said to me that really bothered me too. Most of these were said in jest, or casually, with the implication that I “could take it” – but it doesn’t mean I liked it. They included things like:

You’re a monster now who just eats all the time. 

The person said that this was a joke and that they only said it because they knew I could take it. I was fine with it at the time, but this was only the first in a cavalcade of insulting jokes and snide comments.

Wow, I’ve never seen you so fat before, this is great! Let me get a picture.

This person took a picture which ended up on Instagram. It bothered me, but again, I tried to brush it off. After all, I was only a few days away from giving birth.

How does it feel to be a whale?

This hurt, but I realized that this person was only re-purposing words that had come out of my own mouth. The way this made me feel was a harsh reminder that if you’re having body issues, you shouldn’t use hurtful words to describe yourself because then that will make other people think that it’s appropriate to throw those words back in your face.

I don’t want another child with you because you didn’t exercise while you were pregnant.

I’m sure you can guess who said this last – and in his defense, he was grumpy and tired when he said it. My partner has been an amazing support system throughout my pregnancy, during labour and after the birth of young Teo. I couldn’t do any of it without him. But anyone who’s been in a serious relationship will understand that sometimes bad things get said in stressful situations, and when this got said it actually made me cry. It just felt like at that point in my pregnancy everything that was being said around me was really mean or hurtful. The thing was, I was going to AquaFit throughout my pregnancy – which is at least some form of exercise. So it also wasn't entirely fair.

In general, I can take a joke better than most. The things said to me in my state were peanuts compared to the things that some pregnant women have to put up with. But in general as a society I think we need to be more mindful of pregnant women everywhere. Every woman is different, but it just makes sense to be nice and respectful to a woman who is going through the process of making a whole new person inside of her. Anyway, I’ve now given birth and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced – the hardest thing I have ever done or ever will do. (Maybe that’s a topic for our next blog post?)

SHOW SOME RESPECT!

-Sarah

Exercising With Other Moms-To-Be

When I got pregnant, I was doing a martial arts class a couple of times a week and working out on top of that. My class was in Jeet Kune Do, a type of martial arts which involves a lot of takedowns, kicks, punches, and sometimes sticks and knives. I would often come home with bruises on my legs and arms. So when I got pregnant, my OB told me I couldn’t do Jeet Kune Do anymore, because the contact was risky for the baby. Around the time I stopped, I generally became extremely tired and seemingly lost all motivation to work out. I was working a lot of hours at work and I was just blah. I began to fall into a rut where I wasn’t participating in any physical activity at all.

The fact that my partner could still go to class and I couldn’t grated on me. I started to get depressed, and jealousy and hormones took over. I realized that I needed to be doing something – just lying at home feeling pathetic wasn’t my thing. One of my pregnant girlfriends told me she was doing Aquafit and I was welcome to join her for a class. I wasn’t convinced at first, but I figured I’d try one class and see what it was all about.

The first half hour of my first class was just a discussion about pregnancy and after-birth topics, and I learned a lot about what to think about when a baby is coming into your life. After the talk we all headed downstairs to the pool and spent an hour doing some exercises. Afterwards, I felt relieved and like I’d accomplished something. Because the whole class was geared towards pregnancy and after birth, I learned a lot. Being around other pregnant women who could understand what I was going through was such a nice change from my everyday life, and pretty soon I was a regular at the class.

Of course, as my body grew, my two-piece bathing suit kept shrinking. Fortunately, I’m small enough that I didn’t grow out of it entirely, It just started to look a little weird – I didn’t have to go out and buy a pregnancy bathing suit (maternity clothes are expensive!).

Whether it’s Aquafit or something slightly different, I’d recommend some kind of communal exercise like this to all moms-to-be. There are lots of reasons for that, but here are just a few:

1. It’s nice to be around other women experiencing the same thing as you 
2. You can make friends 
3. It’s good for you physically 
4. It’s good for you mentally
5. Learning how other moms-to-be are planning ahead can help you make your own choices when it comes to the baby 
6. It’s a refreshing break from work and home life 
7. It’s a time to spend bonding with the baby, even though it’s still growing inside of you 

Being pregnant slows you down a lot – you’re literally carrying around a huge weight inside of you, after all. But while that may be an easy excuse to do nothing, that doesn’t mean that it’s healthy to just lie around the house. Staying physically active is important for a pregnant body.

Life Changes

2016 was probably one of the worst years I ever had. I moved in with a boyfriend and it turned out to be one of the worst decisions I ever made. Before moving in with him, I was in a nice condo downtown with a job where I made decent money and lived with my dog that I loved. I loved living downtown as a single female because it allowed me to be social and I felt extremely healthy. My ex lived very far out of the city and I had to quit my job to move in with him. Once I got there, he stopped talking to me for two days and told me I couldn’t drive his car like he had promised I could. He had asked me to move in, but once I did he transformed into a completely different person. He became very controlling and a complete douchebag. The stress of the relationship brought back my smoking habit, which I had kicked 6 years before, and I almost completely stopped sleeping. I was only there for about two months before I moved out one day while he was out at work - I just couldn’t handle him at all. 

I moved back in with my mother. I knew I had to make some changes. My whole life was upside down. I ended up joining a martial arts class. I had recently started therapy and I knew that I needed some physical exercise - a nice place to release things and learn something new.

It was at that class that I met my current boyfriend. At the time he was secretly going through a separation with his wife. When I met him I figured he was married and therefore did not make any effort in pursuing him (not that I make that much effort at pursuing anyone). But I was so attracted to him. If I’d known, I probably would have chased after him from the jump. He was pretty closed off in class, but any time that I got to spar with him I was happy to do so and slowly I began to learn a tiny bit about him. As time went on, I began to have feelings, but his separation was still a secret and no one in the class knew that he wasn’t happy in his old relationship. So for a while I kept my mouth shut.

Fast-forward to now. Things have changed! I have a (semi-)new relationship with a wonderful person whom I love very much. He truly is what I’ve been looking for all these years - with some added, let’s say, quirks (that are for the most part tolerable). I know he thinks the same about me. Our relationship has been pretty much a whirlwind since it started. As soon as we both realized that we liked each other we basically started dating immediately. We quickly found out that we have a lot in common and we have a lot of fun together. I feel like he teaches me something every day.

We had only been dating for a few months when - surprise! - I got pregnant. I have never been pregnant nor have I ever even had a scare with pregnancy. And I have not always used birth control. In all honesty, I thought I might not be able to have children. But I guess when things are meant to be, they’re meant to be.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we both freaked out. We were both in severe shock. He was still going through a divorce and I was still trying to get my life back together. But I didn’t for one second think I didn’t want the baby. I did, however, have the thought: how the fuck are we going to do this? I told my boyfriend if he wasn’t ready to have a child or spend his life with me then that was okay and I would do this alone because I understood it was my choice to keep the child. Although he was unsure at the beginning the more we both thought about it the more exciting it became. Within the first year of our relationship we had to discuss massive future plans, like how many children we wanted. The least fun of all the talks was finances. We had to talk about if we were going to live together, where we would raise a child, did we want to get married, and all the fun things that come along with a long-term relationship. The only difference was we had only been together for a few months. I had only met his parents once! It almost seemed similar to a arranged marriage (but who am kidding? I have no idea what that would be like). In the end, we decided to be together for what we hope is life, and raise this little bundle of joy as a family.

Am I scared? Yes! These are all huge life changes and they’re kind of coming on a whim. As for being a Mom, I have to say I’m excited and a little nervous but I feel like I’ll be good at it. Don’t get me wrong - my mother did the best she could and so did my father. But I learned a lot about what not to do from them. I am generally a pretty down-to-earth, fun, responsible person - at least right now (keyword: now. We’ll see if that changes once the baby arrives.) I’m also, like my boyfriend, a jack-of-all-trades. We both know a lot about many different things and are talented in many different ways. So I hope that we can raise a child well.

I do have to say I’m afraid of giving birth, though. That scares me the most - the pregnancy not so much, the being a mother not so much. But the splitting open and everything coming out including the baby is scary. I just hope it goes by fast and it’s quick. I also hope my boyfriend is there for it because he travels for work and I would like him to witness it.

As for my career or going back to school, I’m not too sure. I know I want this book to be published and that’s all I’ll be working on for myself for this next year pretty intensely. School I would still love to do but I have to see if that’s an option in a couple years, or if I even want to go that route again.

I’m holding on with faith and love, and I can only hope it all works out. I know this will be the thing I work hardest on and not ever give up on.

New Year's Resolutions - Simon

Happy New Year, readers! (And Merry Christmas as well since we didn’t put a post up last week. We were too busy eating turkey and opening presents!) For today, Sarah and I thought we wouldn’t focus so much on the book, but rather would devote a double-post to discussing our hopes, goals and dreams for 2018. This post discusses Simon's New Year's Resolutions. Here's Sarah's.

***

I took a little bit of a different tack with this exercise than Sarah did. Instead of focusing on improving my internal, personal well-bring, I focused a little more on concrete goals. These are things that I think I can get done this year.

1. I want find a steady writing gig. I currently have this blog which I edit and two other websites I contribute to. One is unpaid and the other pays okay, but not reliably. By the end of this year I would like to find a second reliable paid contract (or, y’know, an actual full-time job would be great!). My goal is to be self-sufficient and have time to work at honing my craft every day, as well as building a profile that allows me to further my writing career, and... 
2. I hope to quit my restaurant job. I have been thinking about quitting my job in the restaurant industry for a while, but I never knew how to support myself enough to actually consider doing it. Just from the writing work I’ve picked up in the last few months, I’ve started to see a light at the end of that tunnel. I certainly haven’t made enough to support myself full-time yet, but I feel like I’m finally in a position to start saving a few pennies for when I’m ready to take that leap.
3. I want to get this book in the hands of a publisher. Sarah’s been working on this book for several years, but this New Year marks the the third calendar year where I’m involved with this project. Even if we’re unable to get this book on shelves by the end of 2018, by the end of the year I’d like to find a publisher who is willing to work with us as we build this book up. My goal is to build a profile and contact list to the point where I can engage with publishers and get this book serious consideration.
4. I want to eat better. I’ve been working in the dregs of the restaurant industry for the last seven years – flipping burgers at low-end fast-casual chains. Scraping things together to make ends meet means I’ve taken full advantage of my employee meals, which is good on my wallet but not so great on my body, since it means eating way too many hamburgers and fries. Since my girlfriend moved in this past year, we’ve been making an effort to cook at home and eat healthy, and I would like to continue moving towards a semi-healthy lifestyle in 2018. (This seems exactly like one of those New Year’s resolutions that everyone has and breaks within a month, but I think with the changes in my lifestyle it’s attainable, especially if/as I move away from the restaurant industry.) 
5. I want to spend more time with friends. One of the consequences of living in another province (British Columbia) for eight years in my 20s and then working nights for the three years since I’ve been back in Toronto is that I’ve lost touch with a lot of old friends. Some of this is just growing up and drifting away from people, some of it is my lack of a social life to begin with, but a lot of it is just being to busy to fit people in. I hope that potentially freeing up my nights from work will allow me to make time for friends on a regular basis - whether it’s hitting the bars once in a while, playing some poker home games, or just being free on weekends to see my friends’ kids.

It really feels like for both Sarah and I, 2018 is a year of growth and new beginnings. Here’s to a healthy, happy, successful New Year!

-Simon

New Year's Resolutions - Sarah

Happy New Year, readers! (And Merry Christmas as well since we didn’t put a post up last week. We were too busy eating turkey and opening presents!) For today, Sarah and I thought we wouldn’t focus so much on the book, but rather would devote a double-post to discussing our hopes, goals and dreams for 2018. This post discusses Sarah's New Year's Resolutions. Here's Simon's.

***

I believe to be whole you need to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically strong. I really slacked in many of these areas in 2017 - in other words, I know what not to do for this coming year. These are my goals for each quadrant of my life in 2018:

1. Spiritually – I want to be able to meditate for at least half an hour everyday. I have been slacking big time. I used to meditate at least a half an hour a day, but I’ve almost completely stopped. I think I was going through some stuff and just forgot about meditating and somewhat turned my back on it during some tough times. But I have to remember that it’s during these tough times that meditation is important. Following through on this resolution will centre me as a person and generally make me a happier person - I know this from experience.
2. Emotionally – I need to embrace my emotions and remember that it’s okay if I want to cry sometimes. It’s needed. And I should be okay with that. This one I know I will naturally do right now since I’m super hormonal - but accepting it rather than fighting it is the key. I should also express if I don’t like how someone is treating me and voice my opinions more often. Sometimes I can be passive to avoid a fight, but sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. (And it feels good to be expressive, of course!)
3. Mentally – I have to make sure to write a half an hour to an hour a day as well as try and read a bit everyday. It will keep my mind sharp and active. In all honesty, my mental state is probably the only thing I have been working on in 2017. I have been going to therapy for about year now and it’s helping so much. It’s nice to talk to someone about how I’m truly feeling and gain perspective on my past as well as why I do things and why things happen. But I think taking care of my mental state also means staying mentally stimulated, which is why I want to do more reading and writing.
4. Physically – I want to step up my workout game. I haven't been working out since I got pregnant. Before it happened, I was working out every week and going to my Jeet Kune Do class 1-2 times a week. Now I’m not with a gym and I have been barely going to class. I have been doing some Aqua Fit classes with other pregnant women but that’s not really too much. I find it hard to work out now since I always feel tired. I plan to go hard for the first few months after giving birth to get back to what I was.

I hope this coming year is better than the last one. I feel like it will be. So much is changing for the better. I’m having a baby, after all! I just try to have faith and trust that things will work out if I try. And that’s what 2018 will be about for me - trying my very best every single day.

-Sarah

My Life: Then and Now

Modelling is not a normal job. I don’t think you could really even call it a job. As a model I was wild and free and caught in the cycle of loving/hating the fashion industry. I had no commitments other than to be beautiful and to show up to jobs and countries. I made pretty great money, travelled all over the world, stayed in (mostly) nice places, got to (or was made to) socialize with the VIPs in the cities I was visiting. I was around beauty in every way. It’s like most high school movies where the geeky girl gets accepted into the cool crowd and then feels like a million bucks, then while enjoying the natural high of being a “someone" gets swept up into it and begins to change her outlook on life. I started seeing the world in a different way. I started thinking I could actually become someone. It was doable.

But looking back, I realize I was living a bit of a lie. When you get greedy and only start thinking of the money, it clouds your judgement. My life seemed so grand but in a way it all felt so superficial. Eventually reality hits. Currently I’m working at a job that pays very little money, where I wear a horrible uniform and get dirty everyday driving and cleaning trucks. It has great benefits but that’s about it. It’s so different from the glamorous life I had before. Now when I’m cleaning up shit (literally, sometimes), it feels like I really could only go up from here. I’m at such a low point career-wise. It is in no way to do with my career aspirations and is not even close to anything I’m interested in. But sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Maybe that’s growing up.

I’m six-and-a-half months pregnant. That might not sound like too far along, but believe me - it’s a lot of work growing a child inside you! My new (and hopefully forever) life partner and I have started a committed relationship. I have never really been in one before this - or even wanted to be, if I’m being completely honest. He truly is everything I have been looking for. You really do need to kiss a lot of toads before getting your Prince. I thank God everyday for him and my new family. I’m also doing an online course for financial accounting (which I completely should not have done at this moment in time since I already have too much stuff going on). My exam is tomorrow and I hope to God I pass. That’s not to mention that I am working on finishing this book and keeping up with this blog.

My life now is a total 360. I’ve transformed from this immature, wild, young female into a committed mom-to-be. We just moved into a new place to prepare for our new child. It feels like I have been unpacking for weeks. I have been organizing a baby shower as well. It has been a lot of work, but my mom and best girlfriend have been helping as well. All in all it’s been tough. I never have time to just chill at home. It’s such a huge change from my old life where I could relax when I needed and was able to sleep in at least twice a week. That never happens anymore. Do I wish sometimes I could just get up and leave it all behind? Yes. I miss the way that back then I was able to just pick up and leave the moment I didn’t like my situation. But then I think there’s no way I want to leave this family I’m starting to create. This - this - is what I have so desperately wanted my whole life. In a way this is what I was searching for during all those years of globetrotting. For my whole life, I have been praying for a family and then success. In that order.

Now I have faith. That’s the only advice I can give to anyone else out there - just have faith and work your ass off. Don’t stop till you get there - wherever your “there” is - and then enjoy the hell out it!


-Sarah

Personal Essay: What Women Are Today

I’ve been wondering about my role as a female in the modern world. As a woman, I always feel the need to make people see me as just as strong as men. I'm small, but I'm much stronger than I look. My brother always makes jokes about how I’m “muscles Magee,” because I will always pick something up and carry it even if it looks huge for my small stature. My mother is the same way, and these days I have to tell her not to pick up heavy stuff, that she’s getting too old to do that kind of thing. Society expects men to be strong physically and they are told that they shouldn’t cry or show emotions. I don’t agree with that, but on some level I have always tried to emulate that. So I don’t really cry and I hate when women lose their cool and get all emotional. But why do I react like this? I know I shouldn't feel that way. Some people are more emotional than others, and it has nothing to do with gender. Besides, women’s emotions, compassion and intuition are some of the strengths that make us great.

I grew up playing with the guys because they were always doing fun things while the girls would walk around, play with dolls, talk about people and follow around the boys. I didn’t want to follow around anyone. I have always tried to be independent. After I hit puberty and realized I liked guys more than girls, I began moulding myself to be more attractive to the other sex. I thought that was what I was supposed to do - be more appealing to the other sex because they were “stronger.” But when I ask myself how I came up with that strategy, I realize that I wasn’t born thinking that way. I was taught. My father, who definitely believes that men are stronger than women, is a fervent believer that a women needs to be walked home by a man to be safe. He is a lovely man but those are his beliefs, and when I think about it I realize it’s not really his fault - it’s just how he was raised. My mother, on the other hand, was a mess while I was growing up. She was so emotional and a lot of it was because of all the things she had been through as a female. I saw this dichotomy close up and made a choice that I would not be a feminine moody “girly girl.” And although now I embrace and am open to every aspect of myself, including the girly aspect, I understand why I pushed against that. I’ve noticed that if I “pretty” myself up most people, even women (most of the time), are nicer to me, whereas if I’m just in sweats with no makeup people pay no attention to me and aren't as willing to help or be nice. Don’t get me wrong - I know I am privileged. I’m white, born in Canada and visually symmetrical. So it’s easy to play the pretty card. But what I want to know is why we’ve been raised in this way. Is it something that women are taught or is it something ingrained?

I did some research into the subject. The United Nations latest Human Development Report showed women are 8% less well off than men overall. This is a blanket figure which covers subjects like education achievement, life expectancy, and income.  While that overall difference actually isn’t quite as bad as I thought it was, there are places throughout the world where gross sexism is still rampant. In South Asia, for example, there is a 17% gap between the sexes. In all, out of 148 countries, only 16 don’t follow the general trend. Those sixteen give me some hope. The report stated that generally when countries do well women do well. In countries that the UN calls the “high human development group,” there is only a 3% gender gap. But then in countries that are deemed “low human development” there is a 17% gap. Afghanistan scores the worst at 60% while Sweden and Iceland consistently rate at the top. High-income countries in Northern Europe typically score highest for gender equality. So, generally speaking, Western women are doing better than non-Western women, which isn't a huge surprise.

But then I looked into the subject historically. I know I can’t really comment on how things were way back when, but I figured someone had studied it. I read an article called “Early men and women were equal” where an anthropologist named Mark Dyble and his coauthors say the latest findings suggest that equality between the sexes may have been a survival advantage and played an important role in shaping human society and evolution. The authors argue that sexual equality may have proved an evolutionary advantage for early human societies, as it would have fostered wider-ranging social networks and closer cooperation between unrelated individuals. “It gives you a far more expansive social network with a wider choice of mates, so inbreeding would be less of an issue,” says Dyble. “And you come into contact with more people and you can share innovations, which is something that humans do par excellence.”

So if in the past women were just as powerful as men…then why are we held back today? Is it because we are by nature more peaceful than men? More in tune with ourselves? More graceful? Because some men are bigger than women physically?  Maybe because we like to nest? All those statements have a ring of truth to them, but they’re all generalisations. There are exceptions to every one of them. Men can be all those things as well. Now there are men who become women and women who become men. So what does gender matter? The LGBTQ community believes that we are all equal no matter what we are attracted to or whether we identify as female, male or both. That to me in wonderful! If you ask any transgender person, they will tell you that equality is important to them. But I still feel like I’m made to feel less than adequate compared to males. And I have always hated that. Where did we go wrong as a sex? It feels like since the beginning of time women have been bogged down. Why do we let it happen?

At this point I refuse to imprisoned by stereotypes and statements that women and men should be this way or that way. I believe we should all enjoy our lives and have equal rights. We should be allowed to enjoy this life that was given to us and know that it’s enough. Every individual brings something lovely and necessary to the table, and I wish as a species we could learn to embrace those differences. I will always fight to have equal rights and stand up for the people who need a voice because I believe that one day we will realize that truth.

-Sarah

How International Modelling Changed Me As A Person

Like any major life experience, going into international modelling changes you as a person. Some of these changes are for the better, while others are more negative. I’ve grown up a lot in the five years since I got out of the industry, but many of these changes influence the kind of person I am today.

PROS:

It made me comfortable with my body, both naked and clothed: This is a big one. Growing up I was always uncomfortable with my body, especially my super-skinny long legs. In middle school the kids called me "daddy long-legs" and I hated it. I was also very flat-chested until about the age of 16. When I got into the industry, I learned to transform my unique body into a feature rather than a bug, and my self-consciousness disappeared.

I learned how to tap into my feminine side: I was a tomboy growing up and I hated wearing dresses. Once I got into the business I learned how to wear nice makeup and present myself in a more classically feminine way, with a hint of my own flair. Once after a shoot a client gave me a shiny gold dress and I thought, "my God, I would never wear this!" But I did wear it out one day and I got so many compliments on it that I started to like it. Being a girly-girl suddenly didn't seem so bad.

I became more fashionable: While travelling I was exposed to a ton of different cultures and fashions. I followed everything from what was in style at a certain time to what was kind of weird or funky to the trends that were so horrible that they kind of worked. It really changed the way I dressed.

I made friends all over the world: I met some amazing people that I still talk to today. I feel blessed to know that if I ever want to travel to a major foreign city in the future, I will more than likely know at least one person there. One thing that's wonderful about the industry is that eventually you learn how small it actually is.

I became comfortable travelling alone: The first time I went overseas by myself I was terrified that I wouldn't know anyone or make any friends. But I've done it so much now that the idea of going out and meeting a bunch of new people is kind of appealing. Plus I've learn how to just be alone sometimes.

I became open to trying anything once: I've tried lots of food I wasn't so sure about at the time. I've also seen sights that I never thought I'd see - for example, I met a racecar driver once and he let me go down to track level and sit in his car. Travelling the world made me open to just going with the flow and trying something new.

I learned how to use my street smarts to negotiate out of sticky situations: Growing up in North America around a pretty rough-and-tumble crowd, I learned how to speak my mind if something didn't seem right to me. Once I started modelling, early on I learned how to talk back if something didn't seem fair or I really didn't want to do something. The clients, especially in Asia, were usually taken aback by a woman speaking her mind and often didn't know how to react.

CONS

It became very hard for me to trust people, especially men: I started thinking everyone always wanted something from me, and that people were only hanging around because I was a model and not because of who I was as a person. I started repping my character a little too much because I wanted people to see that I wasn’t just another pretty face and that I had something to offer. I didn’t think any of the men in my life cared about me, and I never stayed with anyone for longer than four months (and four months was if I REALLY liked a guy). I kept myself distant so that I wouldn’t get hurt, and of course I got hurt anyways.

It made me ONLY comfortable if I was wearing the right outfit: As a model, I became overly aware of what fashion choices were being made around me. Nowadays, I have to be overdressed or at the very least appropriately dressed for every event I go to. If I feel underdressed it will affect my ability to have a good time and might actually make me leave early.

I became addicted to change: My childhood was very turbulent and the industry is ever-changing, so I never learned to slow things down. For me every season was a new world – new place, new experience, new guy (or guys). I would get cabin fever if I stayed home longer than one month at a time – Canada was just a pit stop until I could get the fuck out of Canada again. I couldn’t hang onto anything for a long period of time, and it’s something I still struggle with to this day.

I stopped being able to be told what to do: I was told how to look by somebody else for sixteen years. Once it stopped being my job to shut up and listen, I became resistant to anyone telling me how to do anything. Whenever anyone tries it on me now, I think to myself, “do I really have to listen to this person?” I have tried to work on being more open-minded in past couple of years, but I still have my rebellious side.

I became very lonely: I would be in a club filled with hundreds or thousands of people and just feel like a single grain of sand on a massive beach. I started feeling like nobody could relate to me as a model – they all had their own friends and crowds to go back to. And back home, everyone was growing up in their own way, and had no idea what my life was like overseas. And since my friend group was constantly changing, there was never any time to get close with anyone.

-Sarah