A friend I worked with named Peter had some art done by a local tattoo artist. I saw the tat after he got it done and immediately fell in love with it. Peter told me that the guy who did it was amazing and super chill and down to earth. He told me he was Asian and had tattoos all over the place and hinted that I might really like the guy. I do have a soft spot for Asian guys and tats, but when I first went to see him I was more interested in getting some of his art.
At first, I emailed him to ask about getting something done, but I didn’t hear anything back I added him on Instagram and thoughtlessly liked a bunch of his posts. Like I said, he was an amazing artist, and I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that he could see who was liking his stuff. He added me back and suddenly I noticed that he was liking a bunch of my posts.
“Is this a liking contest?” he messaged me.
I told him I loved his art and had emailed him about a job. We set up an appointment and I went into his studio for a quick look and to set up the actual appointment. In between the meeting and the appointment we texted back and forth a bunch. It was mostly just about the artwork but I tried to flirt with him a bit. He was a hottie.
On the day of my appointment we hung out for about three hours, just talking about everything. I thought that he was fun and interesting and seemed to be into all the same things as me. I was totally into him. I thought we had connected and was waiting for him to ask me out, but he didn’t say anything that day. Over the next couple of days we texted back and forth. I told him I was very intuitive and he asked what I was thinking.
“I think you want to ask me something but you’re holding yourself back,” I replied.
“Wow. UR Psychic.”
“Look if you want to ask me out just do it.”
“I don’t know. U might think I’m boring LOL. Lemme sleep on it.”
“Fine, whatever,” I said. But I was thinking, Are you kidding me? He certainly wasn’t boring, but that whole exchange was a bit of a red flag that he was a bit weird. I waited all day the next day to hear something and then in the evening I finally texted him something like, “if your heart is telling you you should then you should.” He got the message and finally asked me out.
Our first date was probably the best date I have ever had. We had brunch at a lovely little place that my friend had recommended and then went to the valley by Old Mill subway station and watched the salmon migrating upstream for about five hours. We didn’t kiss, but the whole experience was amazing.
Over the next few weeks the guy was just such a sweetheart. I had had a few too many bad experiences and had resolved to try and wait a month before I slept with anyone. With this guy, it was easy to play it off as inconvenient at first because my Mom was staying with me at the time and he still lived with his parents while he saved up for a studio, so a “sleepover” would have been awkward. Most guys seemed to give up and leave long before we had made it a month, but this guy just stuck around. I enjoyed hanging out with him tons. He was so affectionate, loving, friendly, chilled, and easy going. Just lovely. He only texted me which caused a few misunderstandings because I like guys to call me as well. But he was great. With everything going so well, after the first couple of weeks it was getting hard for me not to sleep with him and hard to explain why I wanted to wait. Even though a month isn’t that long, in the modern world it feels like a lifetime, especially for men.
Finally it happened. We had made it about a month so I went to bed with him and the first time it…wasn’t that great. It was fine, but there was nothing memorable or exciting about it. The second time, though, was different. The tender guy I had been falling for turned into a completely different person. He went at me like a jackhammer, smacked me in the face, and called me dirty names. He tried to strangle me and talked way – WAY – too much throughout the entire thing. I let him finish and thought – nope.
I didn’t say anything about how I felt immediately but a few days later I brought it up over text. (I had wanted to talk it over in person but he didn’t want to wait until we met up.) I told him that I didn’t like it like that, and that girls who did probably think about sex differently than me. I even suggested that maybe the girls who do have had some sexual abuse in their lives (I’m not saying that they necessarily have, but that was my personal opinion at the time). And even if I had been willing to go along with some of what he did, he needed to bring it into our relationship way slower – one thing at a time – and warn me in advance about what kind of stuff he was going to be pulling out. Even then, I don’t know if I would have been into it. But at least I would have been willing to try rather than noping the fuck out.
After I told him all of that, he told me he was super embarrassed and sorry. He told me his last girlfriend had been into some crazy shit and he had transferred it over to me. He told me he could go along with whatever I liked. But I’m not like that. I don’t want to direct the whole process when I’m in bed with someone. I’ve never had to do that and I didn’t really want to start.
The question of whether we could make it work simmered for a few days. Finally I asked him straight out, “Is that what you’re into or not?”
He got angry and defensive, and I realized things would never work between us. A few days later we officially ended it. I never slept with him again, because I just didn’t think that I would enjoy it. We’re still friends and I think he’s a great guy and an incredibly talented artist. I don’t hold any of it against him.
But sometimes two people are just incompatible…
-Sarah
-Sarah
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