Why Do Men Check Out Other Women?

I spend a lot of time wondering why men who are married, dating, or seeing a girl always feel the need to stare at other women. Some men are better than it than others, and I’ve dated both types – the guys who can’t stop ogling another beautiful woman even when I’m standing right next to them and the guys who are respectful enough to wait until I’m out of the room to look. But they all do it, even the sweetest guy who claims to live in the moment with you.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I check out both guys and girls. But I’m content with just noticing someone’s a hottie and moving on. I don’t keep staring until they leave my sight. And since I consider myself a pretty sexual person, it feels like if I’m able to control myself, then men should be able to do the same.

But the truth is, I don’t think they can help it. I think it has something to do with the drive to procreate. Men are programmed to want to spread their seed far and wide – a natural instinct that women just don’t have in the same way. And even though it bothers me when the man I’m with feels the need to look around at his “other options,” so to speak, I have to acknowledge that keeping that drive alive is what keeps the human race going. The world is over-populated and right now maybe we could use a few less babies, but trying to stop our men from wanting to make them could backfire – studies already show that male fertility has never been lower. If men lose their desire to procreate on top of whatever else they’re losing, eventually the world could see a full-blown population crisis.

So have at it, men. Check out other women. Just be respectful about it – and don’t forget to check out the girl you’re with at the same time.

Old love new love

I'm checking in from Ojibway Park speaking about love and how I felt about it before and after my family. It was a very hot day so excuse my sticky appearance.

Dating diary about a "weak romance"

Several years ago I worked with a guy at a telemarketing place. In between my modelling gigs. That guy was funny and we would hang out sometimes, but he had been with the same girl for a long time so us hanging out never meant much of anything. One time I even had a get-together at my place and he came over and met my brother and his friends, which was cool. Eventually he moved on to a different job and then a few months later I ended up there as well, so we started to get pretty familiar with each other.

About three years after we had last worked together, we started messaging each other on Facebook about getting together to catch up. One Sunday night he invited me out for drinks, but it happened to be on the same day as my little sister’s baby shower. I wasn’t planning to go, but the shower ended a few hours earlier than I expected and I didn’t feel like just going home, so I decided to show up at the bar. I had seen him posting on Instagram that his girlfriend was on her way home from 9 months in Korea and they were getting ready to start a new life together, so I assumed he was in a serious relationship.

He was with 3 of his friends at a classy bar on Queen Street. Two of them were already wasted and had obviously been drinking for hours before I showed up, and the third friend kept going outside to smoke, which seemed a little sketchy and weird. My old friend told me that the relationship he’d been posting all over social media had already ended and that he didn’t want to talk about it. That was my first red flag. But on the whole the night went well. We had some really good conversations and seemed to connect well. It seemed like we had a ton of things in common. (Looking back, I think he was probably lying about some of it – guys will do that when they’re flirting.) He was a very sweet, open guy, and was really kind to everyone around him at the bar.

His friends left without tipping – second red flag. I tipped extra to cover for them and apologized profusely to the server. Then the two of us went to another bar where he seemed to know everyone. Again, he was so kind and pleasant to everyone, telling them he loved them and all sorts of wonderful things. I asked him how he was so close with the bartender.

“Oh, I did coke with him last night,” he shrugged.

Third red flag. After a few drinks he took me out in front of the bar and tried to kiss me.

“No,” I said. “We’re not there yet.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said, hanging his head. “I just meant…I didn’t mean anything.” He nearly fell over himself apologizing.

“It’s fine,” I said. “You’ll know when we are.”

We went back inside and had another drink and I decided I was having a really nice time.

“You’re going to sleep at my house tonight,” I told him.

After we left, he ended up taking me home rather than the other way around. At his house, things got very tender. We only kissed, but I slept in his bed and we had a great vibe. When I woke up in the morning I had to leave to walk my dogs, but I lingered for longer than I should have, The sexual energy passing between was hard to ignore and I could tell he was getting frustrated, but for whatever reason I held back.

“I love you!” he blurted out, and then realized what he’d just said. “Sorry. I don’t know why I would say that.”

“I can’t say anything like that back,” I said. “It’s way too soon.”

I left, but we had made a good connection. The next night he slept over at my house but again, it was mostly talk as we bonded with one another He let me listen to some music he had made which was dark and atmospheric but really terrific. He didn’t like showing it to anyone – he said it was too personal – and he even got anxious just letting me listen to it, but I appreciated it and told him so. I liked him, but I thought it was weird that he still smelled like alcohol. He’d worked till 1 AM at the restaurant he managed yet apparently he’d still found time to have a couple of drinks on the way over to my house. That was my fourth red flag. I told him I didn’t really drink and that I didn’t really want to get involved with someone who was heavy into the sauce. He shrugged it off and said it was nothing.

A few days later he called to let me know he’d made a reso for me at his restaurant, which was owned by a well-known chef in the city. I told him I hadn’t had a good day, but I was looking forward to hanging out with him so I would come. As we walked in, he held my hand, which made me feel awkward – almost as if we were onstage. But my previous boyfriend had been emotionally unavailable so I still took it as a good sign.

At the restaurant we were sandwiched between another top chef and some rich, boring people who seemed to be listening to our whole conversation. He started ordering me a bunch of things, and when I told him there were certain things I didn’t like, he simply made substitutions and went right on ordering. That was my fifth red flag. I don’t like it when guys order for girls – I can order for myself, thank you very much. While we were there a bunch of people kept coming by to say hello and explain the intricacies of each dish, breaking it down by ingredient. I could feel the eyes of everyone who worked there on me the whole time. I felt like his prize, someone he could show off for all his friends and coworkers. It all got to be too much for me – the production, the doting servers, the eyes. I tried to tune it out and focus on the food. We ate oysters, then tuna ceviche, then some salad that was disgusting, and finally some green curry chicken. I took one bite of the chicken and stopped him dead in mid-conversation.

“Where’s the washroom?” I said. “I’m gonna puke.”

Since I’m so thin and was a model for so many years, people have often asked me if I’m bulimic. I hate that question, and I hate puking even more, but in the bathroom of this fancy restaurant I projectile vomited out my whole dinner. I was embarrassed that it had happened – and even more embarrassed that it had happened in front of so many watching people.

When I got back to the table the food was gone and he was waiting for the bill. We walked back to his place and he asked if I had gotten sick because I was stressed. I was offended. I told him no, it was clearly something to do with the food. In retrospect, I don’t know what it was. When I looked it up later I realized that real food poisoning usually takes at least 4 hours to upset your stomach, but maybe one of the weird ingredients triggered an allergy or maybe I was already sick. Back at his place I ordered a pizza for us, but he refused to eat any. He told me he had once been 300 pounds and since he’d lost the weight he’d stopped eating late at night. I sat in his apartment and ate the pizza by myself, and he went to bed.

We went on one more date after that. Someone offered him free tickets to the David Bowie exhibit at the AGO, and then after we saw that we went to Ai Weiwei‘s “According to What” exhibit. I really enjoyed going with him – he really seemed interested in what the exhibit had to say about art and life, and I was impressed by the worldliness of it. He kept telling me how much he enjoyed my company and how much he liked me. (Maybe I shouldn’t have seen this as another red flag, but I’ve had a lot of bad experiences and I never really trust when guys are touchy-feely like that.) As we parted ways after the exhibit, he invited me to a Nine Inch Nails concert the following week.

We hadn’t slept together yet, but things were going really well and I was ready to take things up a notch. A couple of days later I had to work late so I turned off my phone but I told him that I was ready to tell the other guys that were chasing me that I was interested in him.

Kisssssssses, he texted back – another red flag. Who doesn’t have something substantial to say to that?

When I turned my phone back on after I finished work at 11 PM, I found a message from him saying he was out drinking with friends and wanted me to come. It was my friend’s last night at the bar that night, so I told him I was just going to go out with work people instead. It had been a long day and I was tired and my phone was dying, so once I finished up with the work party I was planning to just go home and crash.

He didn’t take that well. He responded with a crazy text saying that I had been judging him from the beginning about everything. He said that every question I had ever asked had been a personal attack on him. He said that I told him he had no manners and a drinking problem. (To be fair, I had suggested both of those things, but only in a gentle way – I thought of them as minor issues that could be corrected if we got serious.)

After sending the text, he called me and tried to pick up right where he’d left off. I told him I thought we should talk about it tomorrow – partly because he sounded drunk and partly because I didn’t want to have a fight on the phone in front of all my coworkers. We hung up, but things seemed fine. I got home at 3 AM from the work party and called him but got no answer. The next morning I tried calling him and then texted his name with a question mark, but he didn’t respond. When I decided he just wasn’t taking my calls, I left him one final message:

“I wanted to talk about this but I guess not. Take care and good luck with everything.”

He texted back and said he would call me after work. I waited up till 2:30 AM, but there was no call. The next morning I deleted him off of Facebook, Instagram, and blocked his number. He was a complicated character and looking back, I know I made the right choice – someone who lashes out like that is not a good person to get involved in a relationship with.

Our fling was brief but intense. I call it a “weak romance” – it only was a week long and we never slept together, but it had the arc and intensity level of some of my more serious relationships.

Keeping up with health as a new Mom

It’s hard to be a new parent and find time to keep yourself healthy. Today I had a throat biopsy scheduled for the afternoon, so my day consisted of me rushing from a store (to buy some pants and shorts that I felt comfortable wearing at my current weight), over to my Mom’s to pick up some things and then to the hospital for my appointment. After the biopsy (which was pretty uncomfortable - it basically consisted of them jamming 3 needles into my throat and jiggling them around) I had to rush my mother to her night shift and then finally after that I was able to come home and relax.

And it’s not like today was a one-time thing. Last week I had a dentist appointment scheduled but I had to change the time three times before I was able to make it in. Once I was there, I found out I needed to get a cavity filled, and then I had to rush off to therapy. My partner had previously told me to take a relaxation day for myself, but by the time I got done with the cavity and therapy I was exhausted and my breasts felt like they were going to burst because I hadn’t fed Teo all day. The concept of “alone time” is great but the reality of it is something entirely different when there’s a baby in the picture. In the past I’ve talked about trying to stay fit as a new Mom but it’s not just that - it’s hard just to stay on top of regular day-to-day health concerns.

Once I got into the biopsy room today, the nurse went to get the surgeon and I was left in the room for about 5 minutes. Normally that wait is aggravating, but I knew my boy was safe outside with my mother and I was close enough to hear him cry. And my only responsibility was stay calm while I waited for the doctor to came in with the needles. I sat in that hospital room with my gown on, legs hanging off the edge of the bed, looking around at all the equipment in the room, and I suddenly thought: this is weirdly nice. And I realized it was because it was so quiet. So if I could offer any advice to any other new Moms it would have to be this: enjoy the quiet moments when they come, because there won’t be many.

They say you need a village to raise a child and I’m really feeling that need these days. How do people cope without a nanny? We certainly can’t afford a nanny right now and sadly we don’t have much family support. Most of our immediate family members are either not around, inexperienced with babies, or just not that interested in helping out. For the most part it’s just me, my partner and my Mom, and even though they’re great at times it feels like it’s not quite enough. Sometimes I wonder why as a society we’ve lost our sense of community. Is it because with so much overpopulation in the world our friends and family just see another baby as a burden? I want to still live my life and stay in shape, but how am I supposed to take care of myself and my baby without going totally insane? I’m trying not to get too down on it - it’s only our third month, after all, and I’m sure we’ll figure it out. But if any other new Moms have any tips on how to stay on top of things, I’d love to hear them in the comments!

Jealousy in Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot about jealousy. Right now I’m both breastfeeding and taking birth control,
both of which can make a woman’s hormones run wild, and I’ve been noticing that lately I’ve been acting more jealous than I’ve ever been. While I have been cheated on a few times in the past, most of the time I’ve dated good guys - I never needed to be that typical jealous overprotective girlfriend. But these days it seems like every conversation with my boyfriend starts, “I think it’s my hormones, but…” He’s wonderful at talking me through things and after we discuss whatever is eating at me I’ll start to feel better. But after this happened a few times, I started to wonder: why am I so jealous? What is it that makes people get jealous?

So I read an article in Psychology Today by a doctor named Seth Meyers (no, not the Late Night comedian!). He discussed the three main reasons that people can get unreasonably jealous in relationships:

Insecurity

The first reason he outlines is INSECURITY. Basically, people worry that they’re not good enough to keep their partner, and they get jealous because deep down they feel like they don’t deserve the other person’s love. To get over insecurity, Dr. Meyers says that people need to work on feeling better about themselves rather than projecting their insecurity onto their partner.

I’m definitely struggling with insecurity at the moment because I don’t feel like myself lately. I’m not my normal weight. I’m not modelling. I’m not even working (though that’s just because of mat leave). I don’t fit into any of my old clothes. Recently I was invited to a wedding, and it took me three malls to find something I was comfortable wearing! I also have some new sexy heels but I haven’t even worn them yet because it’s been so long since I’ve worn heels that I’m not sure if I can handle it. In general, I just don’t feel like my normal beautiful self and I need to work on accepting myself for who I am right now.

Obsessive Thinking

The second reason for jealousy is OBSESSIVE THINKING. People constantly overthink situations and fill in the blanks with negative thoughts. Obsessive thinkers think, “my boyfriend has been out all day. That means that he’s seeing someone,” rather than, “my boyfriend has been out all day. He’s probably just taking some time to relax from the stresses of home life with his friends.”

This is a trap that many of us have fallen into at one point or another in our lives. I know being on mat leave for the past three months I’ve had a ton of time to myself, or just with Teo, and in all that spare time I’ve had lots of time to let my brain run haywire - lots of time for little things to burrow down and blossom into big things. Maybe if I was working full-time my mind would be full enough to put those thoughts on the back burner, but for now I have to find a way to defuse them naturally. I need to learn to understand how to not obsess over things - to use my time more wisely and not focus on what’s out of my control. I need to learn how to trust that my partner loves me and not concern myself with the unknown.

Paranoid Personality

The third reason for jealousy that Dr. Meyers discusses in PARANOID PERSONALITY. Some people just always think that someone is out to get them. Even outside of relationships, they will assume that people are constantly insulting them or trying to get the best of them. They push everything outwards, projecting blame on everyone around them. People who are true victims of this need to learn how to turn their thoughts inwards and hold themselves accountable for their feelings - and if I can be so bold, probably see a therapist to discuss their issues.

I don’t consider myself a paranoid person, but I do always worry that things won’t work out. I always want to hold onto the faith, but when I’m thinking obsessively it’s easy to get a little paranoid. And when I make decisions that are based out of fear rather than love, bad things happen.

In looking at myself, I definitely need to work on overcoming my insecurity and be less obsessive in my thinking in order to become a less jealous girlfriend. And while I don’t necessarily consider myself a paranoid personality, it’s worth keeping in mind how much of a driving force that fear can be. I have to accept that I’m going to get jealous at times over the next few months because of my hormones, but it’s important that I learn some tricks in order to defuse those feelings and go easier on my partner and myself in these post-partum times.

If I can, I’d like to offer three pieces of advice for other people who are struggling with this issue:

-Stop comparing yourself to other people. You’ll always find yourself wanting if that’s what you’re trying to do.
-Stop playing games with your partner. Trying to make them jealous in return can only lead to hurt for everyone involved.
-Don’t let your imagination overpower your reality. Focus on what you have, not on what you lack or what might be happening out of your control.

Hopefully this blog post will help some other people deal with their issues – I know it helped me deal with mine!

Being A Mean Girl

I used to hang out with the guys a lot. Girls were just too much work - there always seemed to be drama and someone who would stab you in the back. When I was in grade school I had a group of girlfriends who eventually turned on me because I had tried to play their game and gotten catty. I ended up not having friends for a whole week - which in kids’ terms is an eternity. I would just sit outside the portables and wait for recess to be over. After that whole debacle, I resolved to never be like that again. I realized that if I acted like that I would never have any girl friends. I did try to change my ways, but over the years I started to gravitate more towards the guys. I decided that guys were easier - they told you to your face if they didn’t like you. Either way, you always knew where you stood.

Fast-forward to the end of high school and it happened all over again. I was part of a tight-knit girl group who all got along because we were the girls who got along better with guys and didn’t like how cliquey other girls were. We all stuck together, but we were always nice to other girls coming in or any girls who happened to be dating our guy friends. We just let each other be ourselves and accepted it because we loved each other unconditionally. Then after high school, I moved in with one of the girls. She was in a bad relationship with a guy who was abusive and cheating on her and she didn’t deserve it. Night after night she would come to my room and cry because she was so upset about how he was treating her. One night I finally told her that he wasn’t good enough for her and I thought she should leave him. The next day they both moved out of the house we were all living in together. I was shocked. I think she must have seriously considered it and then told him what I’d said, because after that she stopped talking to me altogether and all our friends completely cut me out.

I was in shambles. I had had such an amazing support group and had so much fun with these girls and now I couldn’t talk to any of them. For years after that I didn’t trust any girls. And it wasn’t just friends - my mother was hard to trust, and so was my sister. Truly, I didn’t understand girls. To this day it’s hard for me to be friends with girls because I’m always afraid something like that will happen again - but I have made a few good female friends over the years and the ones I do have I cherish and love so much.

I wish females would be nicer to each other. Life is not always about jealousy or competition. It’s not always about whether some other girl has an eye on your partner. What’s important is being strong as a sex and standing together! Honestly, regardless of gender, if you have girls or guys around you that you can’t trust, then get them out of your life. They’re not worth it. And female to female interaction is so important. Social media and society and (some) men are so hard on women every day. Women who like to tear each other down are just enabling a society that wants us to have no self-respect.

We are strong beings. Whether we choose to our not, we can literally make humans in our bodies! We should be killing it in this world. As women we are beautiful, smart, strong, and loving (when we want to be). And I think almost every woman has a motherly instinct that we should learn to tap into more often. I love females as a whole and I love being female but I just wish that other girls could understand how important it is that we treat each other with the respect and love that we all deserve.

More to gain means more to lose

I went to a Paintballing event recently and I was wearing a nice pair of Pink Pumas. A young girl who looked a bit rough in all senses of the word said, “You’re going to wear those shoes in there? They’re going to get fucked up.” As she walked away she added, “Well, if you have the money then why not?”

It really took me aback. To her I probably seemed like I came from money and had tons. I did have a Louis Vuitton purse and I was paying with a credit card, so I understand how she might have perceived that. My initial reaction to her comment was, Hey, I don’t have money either, girl. But then when I stopped to think about it, I realized that yes, I do have money. Not having money was the old me. But still, for the rest of the evening her words kept playing in my mind: ”I guess if you have money…”

Because of my childhood, I never trust it when things are going well for me financially. I worry about when it’s all going to blow up in my face - which until now it always has. When I was young it was usually my mother’s doing, but after a certain age it was usually my fault. I always picked the wrong guys or would be hightailing it from one city to another and leaving whatever I had built for myself behind. I’d spend all my money, then try to save up only to spend it all again on other people or extravagences. I would take big risks and almost always they would backfire. As I got older I began to take less risks, and the blow-ups would happen less and less. (I talk a lot about these things in the book.)

But I was thinking about it today and realized that when I had money and was doing well I think subconsciously I didn’t like it. It was nice not to worry about my credit card getting declined and being able to buy Starbucks whenever I wanted, or to go out to fancy restaurants. But growing up and being very limited because of the lack of money we had was something I was used to. I was always prepared to fall back on my roots.

These days I live in a wonderful home filled with nice furniture and expensive decor. I drive a nice car that my boyfriend gave me, two credit cards that wouldn’t decline unless I bought something crazy, and savings for my new child. If I had time (which I don’t) I could afford to do something extravagant. I’m not saying this to brag - I’m talking about it because it’s part of my journey from humble beginnings and I think everyone deserves a shot.

The thing is, there have been more than a few times in my life where that has been the case - and every time it has happened I have left it all behind and started over with barely anything. Don’t get me wrong - I love my life now. But there is a part of me that misses having a small place, having to budget and enjoying the small things in life. And I know what you’re thinking… I can still do that. (Well not the small place because my partner has SO MUCH STUFF - not to mention the baby.) But the more I think about it, the more I think I must not be comfortable with me doing well. Maybe that’s why I have never really succeeded at anything. Obviously, I have done well at things (like modelling), but I’ve never really been the best at something or really found something I consider my calling in the world. Of course, the bigger reason is because I’ve never been good with commitment. I’m working to overcome that as I build a better life, and that’s why right now I’m fully committed to my partner, my baby and this book. And that in itself is scary. What if I fail?

At this point there is no more room for failure. I will work night and day to be the best at being a partner, mother and writer that I can be. I’ve got to just suck it up and keep trucking. To stop worrying about how things used to be and start focusing on how it is now and how bright my future is. And the key to that is to believe you deserve it. And that’s really the hardest part. Working hard is what it is, but if you don’t believe you deserve what you’re going towards then it will NEVER happen. And that’s something I have to overcome to make this book the best book that it can be.

What keeps me going - DRIVE

One definition of drive is “to propel or carry along by force in a specified direction.” Another is “an innate, biologically determined urge to attain a goal or satisfy a need.” My whole life I have been chasing things. First it was modelling and then when I got all that I could possibly get from modelling I moved onto the book. Now all I think about is succeeding in publishing this book.

Back when I was doing well as a model I remember talking to my brother on the phone about our family. We were wondering why we hadn’t ended up successful. Even though both of our parents came from upper-middle-class backgrounds we grew up on just enough money to scrape by. I asked my brother if I was different. He said that the main difference with me was that I had drive. I had the drive to keep going, to not let a no turn me away from what I wanted. If I really want something I work towards it until I get it.

The thing I’ve struggled with is knowing what I want – too often I would get bored or tired of whatever I was chasing and end up moving onto the next thing. My last name Jackman literally means jack-of-all-trades and I think it’s appropriate. I’ve always felt that I’m naturally good at just about anything I set my mind to, but even something as simple as joining a basketball team in high school was hard because I couldn’t stick to it. But over time, I think I’ve overcome that, and right now I know exactly what I want: to get this book finished and the best book that it can be.

I want to apologize for the lateness of this post. Simon and I were re-working everything, and the regular Monday blog got caught in the balance (not to mention the long weekend). Honestly, I do love change and I think that’s a great trait for me to have because if something isn’t working then I have the flexibility to try another route - and if that doesn’t work then I’ll try another and another until I have exhausted all my choices. After some discussion, we have decided to continue on our journey with a few changes in responsibilities. I won’t get into details here, but suffice it to say that I feel that our focus kind of veered off for a few months what with me just having a baby and him dealing with a concussion. But the same realities that kept us from being gung ho on this project for a while are now the same things that will give us more time to focus on it. I really do feel like we’re getting close.

My brother has never been so right – I am determined to see this book through to the end. My whole life I’ve had my family who believed that I could be something special, and that’s important, but now I have a wonderful partner who pushes me every day. But what’s more is that I have belief now. I believe in my creativity. I believe in myself. And I believe that you can do anything if you have the drive and you believe in yourself. And as a new parent, more than anything it’s my son that makes me believe. I want my son to have everything I didn’t – including success and money, but also including me being there as the best parent I can be. If nothing else, I want to get this book published for Teo.