It really took me aback. To her I probably seemed like I came from money and had tons. I did have a Louis Vuitton purse and I was paying with a credit card, so I understand how she might have perceived that. My initial reaction to her comment was, Hey, I don’t have money either, girl. But then when I stopped to think about it, I realized that yes, I do have money. Not having money was the old me. But still, for the rest of the evening her words kept playing in my mind: ”I guess if you have money…”
Because of my childhood, I never trust it when things are going well for me financially. I worry about when it’s all going to blow up in my face - which until now it always has. When I was young it was usually my mother’s doing, but after a certain age it was usually my fault. I always picked the wrong guys or would be hightailing it from one city to another and leaving whatever I had built for myself behind. I’d spend all my money, then try to save up only to spend it all again on other people or extravagences. I would take big risks and almost always they would backfire. As I got older I began to take less risks, and the blow-ups would happen less and less. (I talk a lot about these things in the book.)
But I was thinking about it today and realized that when I had money and was doing well I think subconsciously I didn’t like it. It was nice not to worry about my credit card getting declined and being able to buy Starbucks whenever I wanted, or to go out to fancy restaurants. But growing up and being very limited because of the lack of money we had was something I was used to. I was always prepared to fall back on my roots.
These days I live in a wonderful home filled with nice furniture and expensive decor. I drive a nice car that my boyfriend gave me, two credit cards that wouldn’t decline unless I bought something crazy, and savings for my new child. If I had time (which I don’t) I could afford to do something extravagant. I’m not saying this to brag - I’m talking about it because it’s part of my journey from humble beginnings and I think everyone deserves a shot.
The thing is, there have been more than a few times in my life where that has been the case - and every time it has happened I have left it all behind and started over with barely anything. Don’t get me wrong - I love my life now. But there is a part of me that misses having a small place, having to budget and enjoying the small things in life. And I know what you’re thinking… I can still do that. (Well not the small place because my partner has SO MUCH STUFF - not to mention the baby.) But the more I think about it, the more I think I must not be comfortable with me doing well. Maybe that’s why I have never really succeeded at anything. Obviously, I have done well at things (like modelling), but I’ve never really been the best at something or really found something I consider my calling in the world. Of course, the bigger reason is because I’ve never been good with commitment. I’m working to overcome that as I build a better life, and that’s why right now I’m fully committed to my partner, my baby and this book. And that in itself is scary. What if I fail?
At this point there is no more room for failure. I will work night and day to be the best at being a partner, mother and writer that I can be. I’ve got to just suck it up and keep trucking. To stop worrying about how things used to be and start focusing on how it is now and how bright my future is. And the key to that is to believe you deserve it. And that’s really the hardest part. Working hard is what it is, but if you don’t believe you deserve what you’re going towards then it will NEVER happen. And that’s something I have to overcome to make this book the best book that it can be.
No comments:
Post a Comment