Brand is everything!

Back when I was a model, brand was everything. The clients were all about brand recognition, the agencies needed to build up their brands in the eyes of the clients, and the girls needed to brand themselves to land the right kind of jobs. Branding is important because it tells people what to expect from you. And the same thing applies to this blog – it needs a brand. That’s just how the internet works.

I’m still off work, and while I’m enjoying working on the book with Simon, right now the work on that includes a lot of waiting on my end. And with all this extra time on my hands I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix shows like “RuPaul’s Drag Race” about people making it big, and they’ve been inspiring me to think outside the box (something I think I used to be very good at). And I’ve realized that I would love to do something that I love every day that also builds up my brand. And the more I started to think about that, the more I kept coming back to fashion. I’ve lost touch with most of my connections who are off globe-hopping or settling down with families of their own, but I do miss the industry.

And that’s why I’ve decided to rebrand myself as new Mom, writer and fashionista – all in one! Starting in the New Year I’m going to start rolling out a new series of outfit ideas for new Moms on a budget! Frank and Oaks has a great new deal where they send you an outfit every month (with modifications if necessary) for between $30 and $150, and one of my favourite books of all time is 1000 Poses by Coco Roca, so I decided to combine the two. For each outfit, I will model a pose or two from the book and then record a one-minute video discussing pricing, where it’s available, how it feels, and so on. I’m excited about this new project because it combines my experience in the industry with my experience as a new Mom adjusting to her
body – in other words, the stuff that every new Mom has to deal with. I’ll probably never be a B24 or size 2 again, but I’m okay with that. I love my new ass and breasts!

I also have a new long-term goal in my life – I want to become a psychotherapist! (But first I need to finish paying off my student loan. I didn’t even know I still hadn’t paid it off until I triedto apply to school again earlier this year – groan.) Lots of plans for the New Year! I’ll keep you all posted!

More to gain means more to lose

I went to a Paintballing event recently and I was wearing a nice pair of Pink Pumas. A young girl who looked a bit rough in all senses of the word said, “You’re going to wear those shoes in there? They’re going to get fucked up.” As she walked away she added, “Well, if you have the money then why not?”

It really took me aback. To her I probably seemed like I came from money and had tons. I did have a Louis Vuitton purse and I was paying with a credit card, so I understand how she might have perceived that. My initial reaction to her comment was, Hey, I don’t have money either, girl. But then when I stopped to think about it, I realized that yes, I do have money. Not having money was the old me. But still, for the rest of the evening her words kept playing in my mind: ”I guess if you have money…”

Because of my childhood, I never trust it when things are going well for me financially. I worry about when it’s all going to blow up in my face - which until now it always has. When I was young it was usually my mother’s doing, but after a certain age it was usually my fault. I always picked the wrong guys or would be hightailing it from one city to another and leaving whatever I had built for myself behind. I’d spend all my money, then try to save up only to spend it all again on other people or extravagences. I would take big risks and almost always they would backfire. As I got older I began to take less risks, and the blow-ups would happen less and less. (I talk a lot about these things in the book.)

But I was thinking about it today and realized that when I had money and was doing well I think subconsciously I didn’t like it. It was nice not to worry about my credit card getting declined and being able to buy Starbucks whenever I wanted, or to go out to fancy restaurants. But growing up and being very limited because of the lack of money we had was something I was used to. I was always prepared to fall back on my roots.

These days I live in a wonderful home filled with nice furniture and expensive decor. I drive a nice car that my boyfriend gave me, two credit cards that wouldn’t decline unless I bought something crazy, and savings for my new child. If I had time (which I don’t) I could afford to do something extravagant. I’m not saying this to brag - I’m talking about it because it’s part of my journey from humble beginnings and I think everyone deserves a shot.

The thing is, there have been more than a few times in my life where that has been the case - and every time it has happened I have left it all behind and started over with barely anything. Don’t get me wrong - I love my life now. But there is a part of me that misses having a small place, having to budget and enjoying the small things in life. And I know what you’re thinking… I can still do that. (Well not the small place because my partner has SO MUCH STUFF - not to mention the baby.) But the more I think about it, the more I think I must not be comfortable with me doing well. Maybe that’s why I have never really succeeded at anything. Obviously, I have done well at things (like modelling), but I’ve never really been the best at something or really found something I consider my calling in the world. Of course, the bigger reason is because I’ve never been good with commitment. I’m working to overcome that as I build a better life, and that’s why right now I’m fully committed to my partner, my baby and this book. And that in itself is scary. What if I fail?

At this point there is no more room for failure. I will work night and day to be the best at being a partner, mother and writer that I can be. I’ve got to just suck it up and keep trucking. To stop worrying about how things used to be and start focusing on how it is now and how bright my future is. And the key to that is to believe you deserve it. And that’s really the hardest part. Working hard is what it is, but if you don’t believe you deserve what you’re going towards then it will NEVER happen. And that’s something I have to overcome to make this book the best book that it can be.

What keeps me going - DRIVE

One definition of drive is “to propel or carry along by force in a specified direction.” Another is “an innate, biologically determined urge to attain a goal or satisfy a need.” My whole life I have been chasing things. First it was modelling and then when I got all that I could possibly get from modelling I moved onto the book. Now all I think about is succeeding in publishing this book.

Back when I was doing well as a model I remember talking to my brother on the phone about our family. We were wondering why we hadn’t ended up successful. Even though both of our parents came from upper-middle-class backgrounds we grew up on just enough money to scrape by. I asked my brother if I was different. He said that the main difference with me was that I had drive. I had the drive to keep going, to not let a no turn me away from what I wanted. If I really want something I work towards it until I get it.

The thing I’ve struggled with is knowing what I want – too often I would get bored or tired of whatever I was chasing and end up moving onto the next thing. My last name Jackman literally means jack-of-all-trades and I think it’s appropriate. I’ve always felt that I’m naturally good at just about anything I set my mind to, but even something as simple as joining a basketball team in high school was hard because I couldn’t stick to it. But over time, I think I’ve overcome that, and right now I know exactly what I want: to get this book finished and the best book that it can be.

I want to apologize for the lateness of this post. Simon and I were re-working everything, and the regular Monday blog got caught in the balance (not to mention the long weekend). Honestly, I do love change and I think that’s a great trait for me to have because if something isn’t working then I have the flexibility to try another route - and if that doesn’t work then I’ll try another and another until I have exhausted all my choices. After some discussion, we have decided to continue on our journey with a few changes in responsibilities. I won’t get into details here, but suffice it to say that I feel that our focus kind of veered off for a few months what with me just having a baby and him dealing with a concussion. But the same realities that kept us from being gung ho on this project for a while are now the same things that will give us more time to focus on it. I really do feel like we’re getting close.

My brother has never been so right – I am determined to see this book through to the end. My whole life I’ve had my family who believed that I could be something special, and that’s important, but now I have a wonderful partner who pushes me every day. But what’s more is that I have belief now. I believe in my creativity. I believe in myself. And I believe that you can do anything if you have the drive and you believe in yourself. And as a new parent, more than anything it’s my son that makes me believe. I want my son to have everything I didn’t – including success and money, but also including me being there as the best parent I can be. If nothing else, I want to get this book published for Teo.