both of which can make a woman’s hormones run wild, and I’ve been noticing that lately I’ve been acting more jealous than I’ve ever been. While I have been cheated on a few times in the past, most of the time I’ve dated good guys - I never needed to be that typical jealous overprotective girlfriend. But these days it seems like every conversation with my boyfriend starts, “I think it’s my hormones, but…” He’s wonderful at talking me through things and after we discuss whatever is eating at me I’ll start to feel better. But after this happened a few times, I started to wonder: why am I so jealous? What is it that makes people get jealous?
So I read an article in Psychology Today by a doctor named Seth Meyers (no, not the Late Night comedian!). He discussed the three main reasons that people can get unreasonably jealous in relationships:
Insecurity
The first reason he outlines is INSECURITY. Basically, people worry that they’re not good enough to keep their partner, and they get jealous because deep down they feel like they don’t deserve the other person’s love. To get over insecurity, Dr. Meyers says that people need to work on feeling better about themselves rather than projecting their insecurity onto their partner.
I’m definitely struggling with insecurity at the moment because I don’t feel like myself lately. I’m not my normal weight. I’m not modelling. I’m not even working (though that’s just because of mat leave). I don’t fit into any of my old clothes. Recently I was invited to a wedding, and it took me three malls to find something I was comfortable wearing! I also have some new sexy heels but I haven’t even worn them yet because it’s been so long since I’ve worn heels that I’m not sure if I can handle it. In general, I just don’t feel like my normal beautiful self and I need to work on accepting myself for who I am right now.
Obsessive Thinking
The second reason for jealousy is OBSESSIVE THINKING. People constantly overthink situations and fill in the blanks with negative thoughts. Obsessive thinkers think, “my boyfriend has been out all day. That means that he’s seeing someone,” rather than, “my boyfriend has been out all day. He’s probably just taking some time to relax from the stresses of home life with his friends.”
This is a trap that many of us have fallen into at one point or another in our lives. I know being on mat leave for the past three months I’ve had a ton of time to myself, or just with Teo, and in all that spare time I’ve had lots of time to let my brain run haywire - lots of time for little things to burrow down and blossom into big things. Maybe if I was working full-time my mind would be full enough to put those thoughts on the back burner, but for now I have to find a way to defuse them naturally. I need to learn to understand how to not obsess over things - to use my time more wisely and not focus on what’s out of my control. I need to learn how to trust that my partner loves me and not concern myself with the unknown.
Paranoid Personality
The third reason for jealousy that Dr. Meyers discusses in PARANOID PERSONALITY. Some people just always think that someone is out to get them. Even outside of relationships, they will assume that people are constantly insulting them or trying to get the best of them. They push everything outwards, projecting blame on everyone around them. People who are true victims of this need to learn how to turn their thoughts inwards and hold themselves accountable for their feelings - and if I can be so bold, probably see a therapist to discuss their issues.
I don’t consider myself a paranoid person, but I do always worry that things won’t work out. I always want to hold onto the faith, but when I’m thinking obsessively it’s easy to get a little paranoid. And when I make decisions that are based out of fear rather than love, bad things happen.
In looking at myself, I definitely need to work on overcoming my insecurity and be less obsessive in my thinking in order to become a less jealous girlfriend. And while I don’t necessarily consider myself a paranoid personality, it’s worth keeping in mind how much of a driving force that fear can be. I have to accept that I’m going to get jealous at times over the next few months because of my hormones, but it’s important that I learn some tricks in order to defuse those feelings and go easier on my partner and myself in these post-partum times.
I’m definitely struggling with insecurity at the moment because I don’t feel like myself lately. I’m not my normal weight. I’m not modelling. I’m not even working (though that’s just because of mat leave). I don’t fit into any of my old clothes. Recently I was invited to a wedding, and it took me three malls to find something I was comfortable wearing! I also have some new sexy heels but I haven’t even worn them yet because it’s been so long since I’ve worn heels that I’m not sure if I can handle it. In general, I just don’t feel like my normal beautiful self and I need to work on accepting myself for who I am right now.
Obsessive Thinking
The second reason for jealousy is OBSESSIVE THINKING. People constantly overthink situations and fill in the blanks with negative thoughts. Obsessive thinkers think, “my boyfriend has been out all day. That means that he’s seeing someone,” rather than, “my boyfriend has been out all day. He’s probably just taking some time to relax from the stresses of home life with his friends.”
This is a trap that many of us have fallen into at one point or another in our lives. I know being on mat leave for the past three months I’ve had a ton of time to myself, or just with Teo, and in all that spare time I’ve had lots of time to let my brain run haywire - lots of time for little things to burrow down and blossom into big things. Maybe if I was working full-time my mind would be full enough to put those thoughts on the back burner, but for now I have to find a way to defuse them naturally. I need to learn to understand how to not obsess over things - to use my time more wisely and not focus on what’s out of my control. I need to learn how to trust that my partner loves me and not concern myself with the unknown.
Paranoid Personality
The third reason for jealousy that Dr. Meyers discusses in PARANOID PERSONALITY. Some people just always think that someone is out to get them. Even outside of relationships, they will assume that people are constantly insulting them or trying to get the best of them. They push everything outwards, projecting blame on everyone around them. People who are true victims of this need to learn how to turn their thoughts inwards and hold themselves accountable for their feelings - and if I can be so bold, probably see a therapist to discuss their issues.
I don’t consider myself a paranoid person, but I do always worry that things won’t work out. I always want to hold onto the faith, but when I’m thinking obsessively it’s easy to get a little paranoid. And when I make decisions that are based out of fear rather than love, bad things happen.
In looking at myself, I definitely need to work on overcoming my insecurity and be less obsessive in my thinking in order to become a less jealous girlfriend. And while I don’t necessarily consider myself a paranoid personality, it’s worth keeping in mind how much of a driving force that fear can be. I have to accept that I’m going to get jealous at times over the next few months because of my hormones, but it’s important that I learn some tricks in order to defuse those feelings and go easier on my partner and myself in these post-partum times.
If I can, I’d like to offer three pieces of advice for other people who are struggling with this issue:
-Stop comparing yourself to other people. You’ll always find yourself wanting if that’s what you’re trying to do.
-Stop playing games with your partner. Trying to make them jealous in return can only lead to hurt for everyone involved.
-Don’t let your imagination overpower your reality. Focus on what you have, not on what you lack or what might be happening out of your control.
Hopefully this blog post will help some other people deal with their issues – I know it helped me deal with mine!
-Stop comparing yourself to other people. You’ll always find yourself wanting if that’s what you’re trying to do.
-Stop playing games with your partner. Trying to make them jealous in return can only lead to hurt for everyone involved.
-Don’t let your imagination overpower your reality. Focus on what you have, not on what you lack or what might be happening out of your control.
Hopefully this blog post will help some other people deal with their issues – I know it helped me deal with mine!
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